Author Archives: carlosartorial

3 Stripes Up The Side

Other than my family and United, the longest relationship I’ve managed to maintain throughout my life is with Adidas trainers. There’s nothing particularly unique about that, they remain the footwear brand of choice for right-thinking men of advancing years everywhere. And by right-thinking, obviously I’m referring to us traditionalists who tut-tut at Phil Jones’ highlights and who’d happily choose to go barefoot rather than support the current hipster fuckwit-led trend for Espadrilles. Anyway, as has been exhaustively documented elsewhere, there’s a definite kinship in existence between Adidas and us lot reared on the terraces of North West-based football clubs.

My relationship with die marke mit den 3 streifen began whilst in primary school, back in about 1980. Before the age of 7 or 8, you rarely question what you are wearing – it was shoes (Clarks if you were posh) for school and Woolies black pumps for PE. Trainers were something you would wear for playing out in on evenings and weekends – and trainers were just trainers, you had one pair and you’d wear them until they were knackered or you grew out of them. They were functional, not fashionable…until I first laid eyes on a pair of Adidas Kick.

I don’t recall who was wearing them, but once I’d clocked a pair they suddenly seemed ubiquitous. Everyone seemed to have them – everyone except me. Shiny black leather, black rubber toe bumper, gum sole and the classic three white stripes adorning the side of each shoe. Adidas…A-dee-das…even the name was cool – trainers soon became an obsession of sorts.

I was always a clumsy kid. Flat footed, no sense of balance, crap at football despite playing about 8 hours a day throughout my childhood – my speciality was walking into lamp-posts. The situation wasn’t help by the fact that from about 8-10, I’d routinely walk around with my eyes glued to peoples’ feet. I was a committed trainer spotter.

Unfortunately for me, the economic realities of the time meant I wasn’t able to join in the fun. Despite my protestations, the fact my dad was out of work for long periods during that era dictated that any household income was blown on trivial things such as bills, food and clothing as opposed to kitting out the adolescent first-born in expensive foreign footwear. I was still in no-name specials off the market whilst the rest of the world was proudly flaunting West Germany’s finest.

Enforced abstinence only fuelled my interest though, and all kinds of exotic sounding brands and names sprung up around that era. Instead of your basic Adidas, Patrick, Puma and (urrgh) Gola football-type shoes, suddenly it was all about the tennis. Minimalist-looking Stan Smiths had been around for a bit – though I could never get my head around them because they were Adidas yet they didn’t have stripes.

So Nike Wimbledon (as sported by McEnroe), Puma G.Vilas and Diadora Borg Elite briefly became chief objects of desire. It remained all about the Adidas for me though, whilst Ivan Lendl no doubt looks back with some frustration at his inability to win a Wimbledon title, in my eyes he was de-facto champion every year because he had the smartest footwear.

By the mid-80s my folks had split and as the dust settled, I was delighted to discover that ‘proper’ trainers were finally on offer as a means of consolation. I wasn’t complaining.  Sambas, TRX, Jeans, Gazelle…I even enjoyed a brief fling with Nike during that time. The overall look consisted of Lee cords, polo shirts and crew neck jumpers – wardrobe staples that still see me right a quarter of a century on. My hair is no longer permed though, thankfully.

Madchester came and went (we’ll gloss over that era as clothes and shoes became of secondary importance due to other umm…’interests’); as jeans returned to sensible widths it was time to consider footwear again. There were bargains to be had if you knew where to look. I can recall picking up deadstock pairs of Stan Smith and Puma States round then for the princely sum of £12 each – high street shops didn’t understand the enduring appeal of vintage designs, to them it was simply a case of moving on ageing stock.

To compete with the rise of Air Jordan and abominations on offer from the likes of British Knights, Troop and Travel Fox, Adidas rebranded themselves as Adidas Performance and the classic gear was now marketed separately under the Originals banner – so the classic trefoil logo lived on.

Adi had cottoned on to the fact they had a dedicated set of punters who weren’t interested in the buzzwords of the time like ‘innovation’ and ‘technology’ – they simply wanted suede in nice colours and a flat sole. In a market containing things like the Reebok Pump (a shoe you could literally ‘pump up’ – christ knows what for), trainers were re-released that hadn’t been seen in a decade or so. As I was now earning for the first time and, pre-kids and mortgage, had a fair bit of disposable income – I was free to indulge myself.

By the turn of the millennium, the internet had changed things again. Not only did it prove a valuable resource of information and archive material, websites and message boards enabled like-minded fetishists to communicate with each other for the first time. This, and attempts to cash-in on the ‘casuals’ scene (films like Awaydays and an endless stream of Hoolie literature of mostly lamentable quality) helped ramp up interest, and the growth of eBay led to prices rising to ridiculous levels on the second hand market. Yes, people happily pay exorbitant prices for 25 year old, pre-worn trainers.

The true extent of this interest was hammered home to me in May 2010, turning up outside Size in town for the long awaited re-release of the semi-legendary Adidas Manchester – originally brought out to coincide with 2002’s Commonwealth Games. I knew there would be plenty of others on the case, though I didn’t expect to see about 400 people ahead of me in the queue at 6am on a Saturday morning. Mental.

Stalwart Red Issue scribe Life of Smiley recently commented on the fact he’d clocked a sample pair of Adidas Noel Gallagher on the internet, and their very existence made him shudder to the extent he was questioning his brand allegiance – amen to that, brother. His words got me thinking though: how old is too old to be buying trainers? And more pertinently, am I too old now?

I don’t mean trainers for doing the garden in or nipping to the shop or playing sport, I’m talking about wearing trainers for going out. Over the years I’ve built up what’s turned out to be a collection of sorts – nothing too valuable or mega-rare, just stuff that I like. In recent times I’ve even kept the boxes too, mainly for storage purposes so they’re not filling up the bottom of wardrobes and getting crushed. I’ve probably got about 25 pairs in total, a number which some people may shrug at and others will find hilarious – but I find I’m wearing them less and less.

It’s always rained here, but these days I refuse to even contemplate wearing a pristine pair of Stockholm if there’s even the slightest possibility of a shower – it’d be an affront to a classic. More and more often I’ll put on a pair and just think ‘naaah, not right…need shoes’. Pairs in more ‘eccentric’ colourways have gradually been relegated to the back of my thinking, ditto white trainers. I’d never have thought it conceivable that Adidas might join the likes of Henri Lloyd, Burberry, Ralph and Lacoste in the ‘stuff I used to wear’ category…slowly but surely, that’s the way it’s going.

I’ve become increasingly conscious that I can be seen sporting similar footwear to lads 20 years younger – and that’s not a good look since my first grey hairs have started to appear. If I don’t change a habit of a lifetime, I’m in grave danger of falling into the same camp as these 50 year old balloons you see wearing baseball caps and Stone Island – still attempting to live out their Danny Dyer fantasies at an age they should know better.

So my dearest Adi, it’s time to suggest that our 30 year relationship has run it’s course and we should go our separate ways. We’ve had a great time together, you were my first love, but I’ve grown up and feel I’m looking for something different now. Out of respect for you, I want to be totally upfront and admit I’ve recently developed feelings for a pair of Native Craftworks Trail Shoes I’ve met on the internet…it’s not you, it’s me…honest…I won’t forget you x

Copyright Red News – October 2011

www.rednews.co.uk

Uwe Rosler>>>Maradona

In recent seasons, it’s become customary for us to reach the first international break of the season and see a league table with United sitting a few points off the pace. We’d bemoan the lack of investment (which remains a net figure of ‘minimal’ since the Glazers took over), Fergie would say ‘it’s all about staying within reach’ and remind us that we never get going until after Christmas anyway – a fair point I suppose. Not this year though. Nine points out of nine and a goal difference of +10…and it was us who had the difficult start apparently.

West Brom was pretty much last seasons’ away performances encapsulated within 90 minutes. United start brightly, go a goal ahead and look like adding to it…the opposition equalise and then it all…sort of…fizzles…out. Except this time we managed to sneak one and fortunately got away with an undeserved 3 points.

The story during the aftermath of course, predictably, was David De Gea’s error. It was obvious the kid was going to make gaffes during the course of the season, but the relish with which pundits and commentators lined up to pen his obituary after one game was laughable. It’s good he’s subjected to this level of scrutiny early in his United career and gets these mistakes out of his system – get the realities of the job ahead and a bit of ‘siege mentality’ instilled in him early and he’ll be fine.

Next it was the visit of florid-faced fuckwit Harry Redknapp’s expensively assembled underachievers. Spurs’ downward trajectory looks set to continue given the evidence on view, with European footballer of the decade (November 2010 award) Gareth Bale especially quiet. It’s perhaps unfair to judge Spurs on their early season showings, as Harry’s mind has been no doubt been elsewhere during the summer. He’s had his ongoing (and strangely, largely unpublicised) tussles with HMRC to contend with as well as gearing himself up for the real highlight of Harry’s year: briefing that toothy SSN reporter on deadline day whilst hanging out of his Merc. “Yeah ee’s a smashin’ player innee…ooo wouldn’t be interested?” etc, etc…

That Spurs game, particularly the 2nd half, hopefully give us a glimpse of what we might expect this season. Pace all over our team now, particularly in defence. Phil Jones looking anything but a 19 year old taking his nascent steps as a United player and Chris Smalling filling in effortlessly at right back. With Nani and Anderson having good days, Bratfud Tom buzzing around like the anti-Gibson, Young looking instantly comfortable on the OT stage and Rooney back to his imperious best…well, it’s hard not to sound giddy.

Arsenal arrived as a team in crisis, albeit one slightly buoyed by a decent midweek showing vs Udinese in their CL qualifier. Pre-match talk was still of ‘by how many?’ though, as opposed to the usual ‘will we win?’ No-one could have predicted what lay ahead of course, 8 goals and the kind of walloping we’ve seen on very odd occasions in the past vs relegation fodder is simply not what one expects to see in a United-Arsenal game.

The signs of Wenger’s increasing fragility have been there for some time, though this season he’s taken to frantically scratching his head as opposed to wildly launching water bottles about the dugout. Le Prof has clearly lost it at present – his refusal to accept the inevitable departures of Fabregas and Nasri, even as the former was aboard a Barca-bound aircraft showed the extent of his desperation. You could tell Fergie sensed what lay ahead last season, as all hostilities were ceased and he began talking about the guy in complimentary terms for once.

Wenger doesn’t look a well man at the moment – his team’s spectacular implosion over Easter has clearly taken a heavy toll. Yes, he has numerous annoying traits, (the best usually do) – but I can’t help feeling a bit of sympathy with his current plight. Although they’ve finished potless in recent years, to my mind he’s done a decent job in keeping Arsenal in contention, in spite of the financial constraints placed on him since the Emirates move. Much like Ferguson, he’s single-mindedly carried on with the job in hand, working within a budget of sorts and (publicly at least) claiming to be happy with his lot. Unlike Ferguson though, his recent buys haven’t been the most astute…they’ve been pretty shit in fact.

Growing discontent led to the shackles coming off on deadline day which lead to an uncharacteristic scramble for much needed reinforcements – the unfortunately monikered Mertesacker (sub-editors will have some fun with that name) and another typically Arsenal-esque, inconsistent lightweight in the form of Benayoun. Mikel Arteta might prove a relative steal at £10M, however.

Chelsea have enjoyed a decent start, and in Mata and Meireles look to have addressed the problems posed by the aging Lampard and perma-crocked Essien. Even if Torres returns to the player he was 2 years ago, I still expect them to ship goals this season. Terry has got by on a wing and a prayer for years now and despite winning plaudits last season, Sideshow Bob looked like an accident waiting to happen on numerous occasions. Comfortably top four again, but off the pace as regards the title.

A similarly bright start has been witnessed over on Merseyside, adding fuel to the collective state of delusional euphoria that’s been in place since King Kenny returned to reclaim his rightful throne…la. Last seasons splurging on Carroll and Suarez continued with the arrivals of Adam, Downing, Henderson, Enrique, Bellendamy, Doni and someone called Sebastian Coates from Nacional for another €8M. All of these and he’s managed to get rid of Meireles to Chelsea, who was by some distance their best player last season.

Dalglish has clearly decided to go shit or bust as that’s £100M or so he’s done in since taking over.  In preparation for the moment the realisation dawns they’ve spent £35M on Peter Crouch MkII and Adam can’t last 90 mins, they’ve devised a genius way to deny they’re still not good enough: if you’ve not heard of it already, please acquaint yourself with the website www.rawkprof.blogspot.com, the home of ‘The Alternative Premier League Table’.

The seeds of this lunacy were sown on the RAWK forum, a place that makes Bluemoon or similar United forums look like MENSA gatherings. ‘Prof’, to much appreciation, came up with the priceless theory that league tables don’t tell the accurate picture of teams’ standings during a season as ‘they don’t take into account the teams played so far neither do they illustrate whether the fixtures were home or away’. In other words, when they are nine points off the pace at Christmas, Liverpool will still be top. I can only urge you to investigate, get the site bookmarked and check it regularly. As far as I can make out they’re being entirely serious.

Unfortunately our nouveau riche, idiot neighbours do look like challenging this season – a glance at their early subs benches was confirmation of the strength in depth they’ve now amassed. One only hopes that Mancini remains a precautionary pussy when the pressure’s on, Tevez and Balotelli take their fall down the pecking order with the good grace one might expect of them and they collectively struggle to cope with the raised expectations CL football provides.

Talking of the Champions League, a massive ‘cap doffed’ to the monkeys off the Red Issue forum who recently spent an afternoon registering on the official SSC Napoli fans forum threatening all kinds under the guise of being rabid Berties. “Your knives are no match for our bananas. We’ll be doing the Poznan over your corpses.” Heheh. Childish and immature? Most certainly – but very entertaining nonetheless.

A sobering thought in conclusion, though: City’s overall prospects? Top two and our main rivals. I know, I never thought I’d see the day either.

Copyright Red News – September 2011

www.rednews.co.uk

I’m So Bored With The USA

Soccer - Carling Premier League - Manchester United v Leeds United

You can tell the start of the season is imminent these days because of two key markers. i) The team return from an interminably long, energy sapping tour of North America or Asia and ii) Fergie starts making noises about being ‘happy’ with the players at his disposal, thus preparing us for the grim prospect of no new midfielder…again.

No. New. Midfielder. I’m writing this a couple of days before West Brom so there’s still a good two weeks of the transfer window to go…so plenty of time for Wesley Sneijder to arrive yet. This lad has been the source of that much speculation all summer, I don’t even have to check how to spell his name.

This time last year, Fergie promised ‘no more signings’ and then we made an audacious swoop (why are swoops always audacious?) for Bebe. Given he’s now been sent to Turkey, there’s little or no chance of anything that grim happening again. I’m not counting Gibson staying as I’ve already resigned myself to that.

Paul Scholes, reborn as Mr Chatterbox as opposed to Mr Quiet since the realisation dawned he had a testimonial and book to promote, made the comment that the prospect of schlepping round the states for weeks on end was one of the things he’d miss least about being a professional footballer. I think I understand where he’s coming from now.

It was so dull following the tour from this side of the Atlantic, I actually began to feel pity for some of those trapped within the inner circle. Apparently it lasted for three weeks, it only felt like much, much longer. Three weeks travelling around America with Rio Ferdinand and his kerazy antics would drive most normal people insane.

By the 3rd night of being holed up in some hotel and hearing “alright bruv, after the ping-pong tournament and twitter session…fancy a game of FIFA with me and Wazza?”, you’d be ready to jump out of the fucking window. The alternative to joining in with the lamentable banter would be trying to get through the tour Berbatov-style – this involves developing an appreciation of classical music, chain-smoking Marlboro Reds and learning the rules of backgammon. Possibly.

Any of our American cousins unfamiliar with United and perhaps stumbling across the team for the 1st time, were being fed an enormous, fat lie. The United on show in the states was shamelessly presenting itself as anything but the surly, paranoid beast we experience week in-week out. United US-style were smiling, relaxed and happy – sweetness personified.

Press duties were fulfilled without so much as a grimace, much to the amusement of the British journos following the team out there. Open training days, Premier League trophy being hawked around shopping malls and beaches for impromptu photo-opportunities with anyone remotely curious, at one point Fergie stopped the bus to let a gaggle of Bulgarian tourists onboard for an unscheduled autograph session. You couldn’t make it up.

News of this came as no great surprise but nevertheless, all quite galling for those of us daft enough to dedicate years, rather than hours of our lives following the team. The US charm offensive highlighted the disparity between the club’s attitude to regular supporters and those being courted in new ‘territories’.

A tale often-recounted is that years ago, reds arriving in Israel for a pre-season fixture were met by one much revered director whose reaction was as if he’d just trodden in dog shit. Ditto at Dukla Prague away in 1983, travelling fans stumbled across a markedly unimpressed Ron Atkinson who legend has it, greeted them with an accusatory “what the fuck are you doing here?”

Despite holding a season ticket now costing upwards of £700 per year, if I had a bang on the head and woke up deciding I wanted a picture taken with the Premier League trophy taking pride of place on my mantelpiece, I’d have to pay to enter the museum then pay another £10 or so for the actual photograph. If I tried to pick the thing up, I’d expect to be escorted off the premises and threatened with arrest.

Had United visited the US determined to charge fans $20 a shot for a photo with the trophy, I’d wager there would have been embarrassingly few takers. In the land that wrote the rule book on global marketeering and public relations, they would be scorned and derided for taking the piss somewhat. The club, as always, continue to demonstrate they know the price of everything and the value of nothing regarding their dealings with fans…fans in certain territories, that is. Those of us at home who’ve been habitually fleeced for that long, most don’t even bother questioning things anymore.

This situation stinks of course, but nothing will change. The club would no doubt claim (if they did dialogue) that security proves less of an issue on tour, and the spirit of glasnost in evidence, though desirable, is impossible to replicate at home. I suppose that’s true to some extent, but then no-one is expecting United to stop the team bus outside Anfield or Elland Road. Though it wouldn’t really kill them to make such a gesture outside OT or Carrington on occasion, would it?

One man probably relieved to be out of the country in mid-July was Bryan Robson, away with United doing his global ambassador bit whilst a (very) minor furore was played out following his unwittingly starring role in Channel 4’s Dispatches documentary ‘How To Buy a Football Club’.

The programme introduced the viewing public to the London Nominees Football Fund, a group that according to its website “provides investors with a unique investment opportunity in a multi-billion dollar industry as an alternative to traditional equity based asset classes.” Robbo was employed in an advisory role, a famous face providing credibility and an easy smile whilst CEO Andrew Leopard waffled on with the usual rhetorical bluster concerning ‘adding value’, ‘return on investment’ and ‘exit strategies’.

There was nothing particularly illuminating or shocking on view at all. Only a group of wealthy, well-connected men happily encouraging another group of what appeared to be staggeringly stupid, incredibly wealthy men (actually undercover, investigative journalists) to invest lots of money in an investment fund. All the talk of buying clubs was clearly instigated by the reporters, “We want to buy Sheffield Wednesday…and another one!” they claimed at one point. “It can be an idea” was the muted response.

The premise of the show was as shaky as the camera-work. “We were being offered a football club” a voiceover gravely informed us – no you weren’t you fuckwits, they just clocked you for the eager buffoons you were posing as, and were happy to play along on the premise you were going to give them that £15M quid you promised. Anything said that could have been viewed as slightly dodgy was repeated 4 or 5 times, multiple slo-mo shots of Robson grinning and putting a glass to his lips, back-rooms in restaurants, fat-cats smoking cigars, betting tips from Fergie, lingering shots of the club crest at regular intervals…it had more than a whiff of ABU about it.

I’ll admit that I’m not exactly impartial as far as matters Bryan Robson is concerned, the man was and will remain an absolute hero in my eyes for what he did during his career at United. True, the programme wasn’t his finest moment and the impact of any potential fallout was lost due to ongoing coverage of the NOTW phone hacking scandal…but I genuinely fail to see what was revelatory about it. The news that financial parasites infest the game is nothing new and as for the shocking findings that player loans and transfers can be dictated by ‘relationship driven’ club managers…well I never.

The most telling moment was the response of Football League chairman Greg Clarke when asked, “Are you confident you know who the owners are of every club in the Football League?” “No, I’m not”, was his straightforward retort. Not calling him personally as he’s only been in the job since March, but demonstrative of the decades of haplessly amateurish management from regulatory bodies that have barely evolved since the pre-war era. Fit and proper person tests? The self-appointed custodians of the game don’t even know who’s in charge of clubs now. That’s the real scandal – and the reason sharks like London Nominees see football clubs as easy pickings to begin with. Maybe the Dispatches team should try again. Oh and it’s Barnsley FC, not Barnsley Town. Do proper research next time, idiots.

Copyright Red News – August 2011

www.rednews.co.uk