Category Archives: Football

Break From The Old Routine

Another month gone, another predictable run of results. These may be uncertain times for United supporters, but our monthly cycle seems to have settled into a familiar pattern. There’s the deeply uninspiring pair of defeats, a dull home draw and then a semi-arousing, unlikely victory to take some solace from. LVG pontificates in his post-game interviews, Mata blogs about the importance of focusing on the next game and then the whole sorry sequence starts once more.

Getting knocked out of the Europa League wouldn’t have been too big a deal except for the fact it had to happen against Liverpool. A quick glance at the team sheet prior to the first leg was enough to suggest how things would pan out. Fellaini and Schneiderlin are not a midfield pairing in a million years, with the Belgian producing a performance that was absolutely pitiful even in comparison with his usual sub-par offerings. There’s not a single United fan I know who doesn’t simply grimace and shake their head at the mere mention of his name.

There’s not one redeeming feature about Fellaini’s game at all. Graceless, snidey, petulant, clumsy… for the most part he ambles round the pitch breaking up our play, instead of the opposition’s. How he managed to stay on the field for the full 90 minutes is beyond me, and Van Gaal’s enduring faith in the guy’s complete lack of ability speaks volumes for the sorry state of his team. Things aren’t ever going to get any better with him roaming round, clattering into people and then looking utterly bewildered when the referee blows for each blindingly obvious infringement. He’s simply an awful, awful footballer.

Anyway, that long-standing gripe aside, Liverpool turned up whereas United didn’t. Marcus Rashford found himself playing right back during the 1st half… which was never going to turn out very well. The goalie, once again, was exceptional and ensured we weren’t 3-0 down at HT; how many times has that happened this season now? Martial battled gamely up front but there was nobody else willing to commit… which they were unable to anyway given we were being so comprehensively outplayed in midfield. Meanwhile, you’ve got Herrera, Schweinsteiger and Carrick all sat on the bench. In short, it was a complete mess and we were lucky to get out of there with only a 2-0 deficit.

The 2nd leg at least tee’d up the potential of an all-time classic, and it briefly looked like it might be happening when we went 1-0 up. United battered Liverpool for 45 minutes and were unlucky to be only ahead by a single goal as HT approached… even the crowd woke up from its usual somnambulant stupor and there was something approaching a genuine atmosphere to savour. A hint of venom in the air, players flying forward, decent goon for the goal… this was how we used to live.

Unfortunately, Coutinho’s exceptional goal killed any giddiness stone dead and the tie was over with the last kick of the 1st half. What a great player that kid is, incidentally. City must be kicking themselves after being suckered into paying £50M for the overrated Sterling when they could probably have snaffled him for half the price. Anyway, instead of any further heroics, the players trudged off whilst the crowd went into silent contemplation mode. It was a very sobering HT break watching the scousers balloon about letting off flares whilst we stood cursing ourselves for being naive enough to believe it was actually possible for a few minutes. Still, it was a nice reminder of how things used to be.

You know that it’s been a strange old year when a glance at the league table confirms that we’re 16 points behind Leicester City… whose closest challengers are serial bottlers, Spurs. They are more than likely going to win it with games to spare, which as an event in the football universe is about as likely as Fellaini edging out Messi and Ronaldo for the next Ballon d’Or. In these days of ‘big fours’ and plans for a revised, ‘closed shop’ Champions League, Leicester are a heartening reminder that football still has the ability to produce stories that contravene all common sense and perceived wisdom.

Ranieri’s team are being lauded as the nation’s sweethearts right now, and even a myopic old cynic like me finds it hard to wish them anything but the best. There was something on 5 live the other week inviting people to phone in and suggest sporting upsets that would rival them winning the title. Suggestions included Denmark or Greece winning the Euros, Wimbledon winning the FA Cup, some clown even proposed that Sheffield Eagles beating Wigan Warriors in the RL Challenge Cup bore comparison.

It doesn’t, of course – none of these events do. Cup successes of that ilk are simply based on a team stringing together 6-7 decent performances. Any underdog can win a one-off cup, whereas winning a title over the course of 9 months is a genuine test of nerve and endurance. Blackburn winning the league in ’95 doesn’t count, given they were buoyed by Jack Walker’s vast wealth. Leeds winning in ’92 is probably the closest in recent-ish memory, though they weren’t competing against the handful of billion pound behemoth clubs that inhabit the Premier League in 2016. 1992 was still a fairly level playing field in terms of competing teams’ cash and resources, nothing at all like the cabal that’s in place today.

So if Leicester do it, in team sports’ terms I reckon it’ll be just about the greatest upset ever – I can’t recall anything that eclipses it. I’ve never had any time for their frothing, little Inglunder support but if they end up winning it at OT next month, then I hope their team gets clapped off the pitch. They’ll have achieved something genuinely remarkable, putting like likes of Newcastle and Liverpool – teams who have squandered hundreds of millions over the years in pursuit of the title – to shame.

In 3 months time we’ll be sick of the sight and sound of them and they’ll be back to being a complete irrelevance, but in a season where watching United has felt like purgatory at times, Leicester have been a genuine breath of fresh air. Regardless of whether or not they implode on the final straight, the plaudits they’re currently receiving are richly deserved – they’ve been absolutely superb.

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Bring The Pain

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“And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain…” Sheesh, I wish. It’s still only February though, so we’ve got another 12 weeks of this absolute horror show to witness. The latest debacle in the ever lengthening list of debacles is (checks Google for spelling) FC Midtjylland. Anyone else heard of this bunch? No, me neither. Anyway they battered us. Of course they did – I mean, why wouldn’t they?

A few months back I decided to purge my life of a Sky Sports/BT subscription and invest in one of those little Android streaming box gizmos instead. It’s a pretty nifty bit of kit to be fair, as long as you prepare yourself for the fact that it only works 80% of the time and accept that some games are like watching the action in a strobe-lit blizzard… c/w 30 second pauses and a US commentary team. Given the current state of United, this can actually work out quite well. You end up missing at least 15 minutes of the game by messing about looking for a working link, and the regular pauses in play are often indistinguishable from watching the game at normal speed.

Anyway, last night was one of those occasions where I struggled to find a reliable stream, but the bits of the game I did see almost defied belief. To put it in perspective, the opposition were in the middle of their winter break and hadn’t played for 2 months – and had enjoyed only 1 win in 10 games before that. The Danish league, with no disrespect intended, probably files somewhere alongside Scotland in the ranks of Europe’s finest. United meanwhile, are slap bang in the middle of a campaign playing in what’s alleged to be the most competitive league in the world. Regardless of form or injuries then, this was as close to a ‘David v Goliath’ fixture as you’re ever going to find in European football.

Even allowing for a deflected, breakaway goal or an inexplicable defensive lapse, you would still have expected the obvious differences in fitness and match sharpness to be the Danes’ undoing. Point being that even if the ‘inferior’ opposition managed to land a few early body blows, fatigue would eventually set in allowing the gulf in class to become apparent. After all, despite a lengthy injury list, United still managed to put out a starting team containing 8 internationals. It should have been more than enough to despatch a team of minnows beaten 9-1 on aggregate by Napoli a few months back.

If only. Instead, it was another of those occasions where United completely failed to assert any kind of dominance on proceedings. For a team that sets out to play a low-risk, possession football, it’s absolutely remarkable how bad we are at doing the simple things like passing 6 yards and controlling the ball. If we could hold onto it for more than 10 seconds, the determination to rack up 10,000 passes per game might start to make some sense – but we are consistently useless at doing the basics. All this, combined with the clear lack of desire, spirit, belief… everything you need to be even moderately successful… well, it just isn’t there anymore. Whatever we had, we’ve lost it completely.

The weirdest thing in all this, is that no matter how badly things continue to unravel, it’s looking increasingly likely that Van Gaal won’t be sacked before the end of the season. Now whilst I don’t think he’s in possession of photos of certain board members in compromising positions, that possibility can’t be ruled out either. Seriously though, for all the criticism Woodward and his cohorts have faced over the last few months, surely it’s now clear that this hasn’t worked out as envisaged? I know Ed’s formative football years were spent leading the youth firm of Chelmsford City during breaks from boarding school, but there’s also a semi-competent business mind lurking beneath those pinched features of his.

So why hasn’t Van Gaal been binned yet? Is there a full-on civil war taking place in the OT corridors of power as has been alluded to elsewhere? It’s a juicy story, yes – but the idea doesn’t quite add up. Are a section of the board really so Machiavellian that they’d attempt to dissuade the Glazer’s from making overtures towards Mendes re: Mourinho? Either based on a personal grudge or some deranged attempt to preserve Fergie’s legacy and keep the Co92 axis in place. 3 years ago the Glazers may well have listened if he and Sir Bobby were indeed making such noises, but after 3 seasons of Mogadon-tasting decline, it’s clear that any attempts at continuity – appointing a proto-Fergie in the shape of Moyes or priming Giggs as a long-term successor under the ageing Van Gaal – have flopped spectacularly.

Although Fergie and Gill still have a voice, and no doubt the ear of the Glazers, it’s still Ed and Dickie Arnold who are running the show day to day. Truth is, I find it hard to believe that the next manager of United hasn’t already been lined up and all parties have simply taken a vow of silence for the time being – namely in some well-meaning attempt to spare Van Gaal the indignity of the sack before a cosy ‘mutual agreement’ is reached at the end of the season. For all Woodward’s mistakes, and there have been numerous, I’m still soft enough to assume he’s quietly been making calls over the last couple of months, and not simply sat on his hands expecting to see his faith in Van Gaal rewarded eventually.

Now hang on a minute, this is more like it. As I’m writing, there’s news emerging that Mourinho to United could actually be a done dealio. Moratti’s sister has just rolled out of some dinner with Jose and worded the Italian press that he’s on his way to OT next season. Now she could be wumming them, just as he could be wumming her – but the noises are getting louder from pretty much every source in existence barring the club itself.

If it did transpire we were turning Portuguese next season, then I’ve no idea whatsoever if the appointment would prove to be successful or not. Mourinho’s last two gigs have ended on a sour note for a manager who’d previously thrived on forming close alliances his senior players. He is difficult (paranoid, monstrous ego, arrogant, capable of being a complete bellend) in much the same way that Ferguson was difficult and Van Gaal is difficult. However, in evaluating the current state of United, it’s hard not to reach the conclusion that we’re in desperate need of something, more precisely someone, to extricate us from this mire we find ourselves in.

C’mon Ed, don’t let us down here. It’s time…

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Let Me Sleep Beside You

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After writing here last month in an indignant, post-Bournemouth strop, I was clinging to the hope that this season’s nadir had been reached. I mean, with the greatest of respect to Bournemouth, they are Bournemouth. It’s the land of blue rinses, retirement homes and tinfoil FA Cups… sort-of a posh, southern version of Southport or somewhere. Manchester United should not be going to places like Bournemouth and getting beaten more than once in a lifetime. But we are. That’s what we’ve become.

Things did get worse, however. Not content with wrecking weekends with alarming regularity, United then contrived to try and ruin Christmas too. Norwich at home, Stoke away… wretched performance following wretched performance. In the midst of this, the new Star Wars film was released and provided some brief, unexpected respite. I took my lad to Parrs Wood on the opening weekend and it was almost baffling how enjoyable it proved… 2 hours of pure, unadulterated entertainment and escapism. I’ve always been firmly against the idea of big screens at the match but if they could show that (or similar) during the game as an alternative to suffering the football, then it could make visits to OT tolerable again in the short-term.

As I’ve alluded to previously, the problem is only partly due to results. The team is being rebuilt, so we don’t expect to win every game and we certainly aren’t expecting to be winning titles any time soon. The lack of invention, the negative tactics, the safety first mentality… these are what feel like an affront and are the source of the all-consuming malaise that envelopes OT at present. Okay, so the happy clappers in J Stand might still be right behind “Louis Van Gaal’s Red and White Army” for their customary 10 minute sing-song, but the vast majority of his foot soldiers, at least those of my acquaintance, have simply given up believing and are now counting the days until he’s gone.

Looking at United’s record over the last couple of months, it’s absolutely remarkable how Van Gaal still finds himself in a job. He offered what was tantamount to a public resignation following the Norwich loss, after which the OT press bods turned their phones off causing widespread speculation that an announcement was imminent. Days later, the manner of the defeat at Stoke appeared to be the death knell. As well as admitting that he was contemplating resigning, Van Gaal also went as far as conceding he was no longer confident of his ability to turn things round. If he wasn’t a broken man at this point, then he was certainly doing a very good impression of one.

Surely then, it was just a matter of finalising the paperwork and agreeing the terms of his settlement? Nope, as he was still in place for Chelsea – not exactly buoyant, but still clinging on and trying to sound optimistic again. One slightly improved performance later (we didn’t get beat and even attacked a bit!) and his position was seemingly secure once more – as secure as it could be following yet another 0-0 draw and no win in 8 games, anyway. Mourinho meanwhile, together with the rest of us willing the board to take some decisive action, must have known at this point that the call was never going to arrive.

So Woodward and his paymeisters, presumably, are instead trying to buck the modern trend of crowd-pleasing decisions and premature sackings – Man United doing things differently and all that. At the opposite end of the scale you’ve got Real Madrid, where Rafa Benitez, despite being a clown, has just been given his cards off the back of three defeats all season and crucially, a 4-0 spanking by Barcelona. They won 10-2 a few weeks ago ffs! So it’s an admirable enough sentiment, this measured approach – but is really in the club’s best interests?

If this miserable run was merely a blip or had interrupted a good run of form, I could see the sense in remaining patient – but barring a decent run last March, United have been truly appalling to watch for the last 12 months. Even when we briefly went top of the table earlier in the season it didn’t ring true in the slightest. Given the overall lack of quality at the top of the table, if we were a half-way decent side we would be right up there challenging at this point. Instead, we find ourselves going through the motions whilst looking up at the likes of West Ham and Leicester. Okay, so there are injuries – but they are nothing new and are to be expected. There should be no excuses and we need to face some Bentitez-style ‘fachts’ – the level of performance being churned out is absolutely pathetic.

We’ve currently reached the stage where losing a 2 goal lead against a beleaguered Newcastle side is seen as an improvement – simply just because we scored a goal on the counter-attack and there was some excitement and a taste of the unexpected for once. 3 years ago, chucking away points in such a manner would’ve been seen as disastrous, but now it’s viewed as grounds for optimism. That’s what we’ve been reduced to, it’s right up there with our recent “brave” European exit in the straw-clutching stakes.

The trip to Anfield saw yet another abject display. Two poor sides with millions lavished on them, proving once more that Liverpool-United no longer deserves its billing as one of English football’s showpiece fixtures. These days, it’s just two formerly great sides, living on past glories and showcasing nothing except the bloated excesses of the Premier League. That said, beating them remains one of the greatest things in the world… and almost makes you forget the rest of the crap we’ve been forced to suffer over the last 3 months. Almost.

For all Van Gaal’s faults, and however grim the football, it’s becoming increasingly clear that unlike most of his managerial contemporaries, he’s still able to draw on vast reserves of good fortune when it’s needed most. Defeat, or even another draw at Anfield would have led to renewed pressure and intensified calls for change. Instead, despite another thoroughly miserable performance, Rooney scores and we sneak out with a scarcely merited 3 points. Louis then, emerges unscathed from yet another trying week. Roll on the next riveting instalment…