Tag Archives: liverpool

Up To Our Hips

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Well that escalated quickly, didn’t it? There I was, quietly buzzing after a derby win and chuckling at Liverpool getting knocked out of Europe. Then the next thing you know I’m sat in the house, drinking too much, steadily munching through a fridge full of stockpiled food and cut off from the world outside. Pretty much a standard weekend then… but then they announced Coronavirus had arrived so normal life was promptly cancelled.

To be honest readers, personally speaking, it’s been an absolute doddle. I’m already an anti-social curmudgeon so being told not to go out hasn’t really affected me. Plus, let’s be honest now, a lockdown where you’re still allowed to leave the house every day isn’t really much of a lockdown at all. Being office-based meant I could work from home which proved another huge bonus. It started off being weird then quickly became ace once the realisation dawned I can do my job without getting dragged into banal conversations about things that people have read on Facebook every 10 minutes. 6 music on in the background, sun streaming though the window, showering at lunchtime… I honestly think I could live like this for another 12 months.

Not everyone sees it as a positive of course, because in reality it’s really fucking bad out there. Me, happy as a pig in shit inside my own little bubble is one thing, but it’s really not funny at all when there’s a deadly virus on the loose and hundreds of people are dying every day. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands who are unable to work at all because they currently don’t have a job. Then you’ve got the NHS workforce and an army of key workers risking their lives on a daily basis, lacking essential PPE yet still intent on keeping everything ticking over until this shitstorm of a virus eventually subsides.

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The overall mood isn’t helped by the fact we’re being led by the shambolic troupe of gaslighting fuckwits who compose the senior-level of British government. Not an ounce of compassion or common sense between them, they saw this thing coming a mile off yet still managed to balls it up completely at every turn. Blundering through press conferences, manipulating testing figures and showing themselves up as the lying, evasive, deceitful twats you always suspected they’d be during a time of national crisis. It’s almost enough to make you wish football would come back.

Almost, but not quite. Because as anyone with even the teenie-weeniest bit of common sense would agree, talk about professional football resuming right now is not only grossly insensitive, it’s completely fucking idiotic. Straight away they were at it, before the death toll had even reached 3 figures. The very moment matches were cancelled and precious revenue streams turned off, the self-interested guardians of the sport immediately started dribbling on about the need to finish the season at all costs to preserve ‘the integrity of the game’. Integrity: “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles”. Hahahaha, you couldn’t make it up.

The Premier League’s interpretation of integrity seems a little more abstract than how most people commonly interpret the word. In their desperation to launch #projectrestart it quickly became apparent that they were prepared to do literally anything to get football back on television. Playing in China, playing behind closed doors, neutral stadiums, shortening game lengths and banning spitting(?) were just a handful of the ever more ludicrous suggestions being mooted as deaths around the country continued to rise.

We all know that top-level football did its utmost to absolve itself of any sense of social conscience and civic engagement many years ago. It happily sold its soul in pursuit of untold riches and anyone opposed to the frantic cash grab was left feeling like a tree-hugging relic. We live in a world where people dedicate their lives to arguing on twitter that owning a tiny portion of land in East Manchester and laundering billions of £‘s into a football club to legitimise a murderous, despotic regime is actually something to be applauded.

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Greed and self-interest are nothing new in the football world. However, during the current doomsday scenario of a global pandemic, the intention to plough on in spite of the obvious risk to everyone connected was absolutely breathtaking. I mean, we know football administrators are morally deficient in most cases, but I wasn’t expecting them to be so unapologetically brazen in announcing the fact. Surely now would be the time to demonstrate some decorum by keeping quiet for a few months? Maybe prioritise the health and well-being of employees above all else, just like every other workplace has been forced to. More fool me for expecting anything different, I guess.

One unexpected thing I didn’t see coming was how well our own club conducted itself throughout. Unusually for the PR disasterclass that is MUFC, there wasn’t a misstep to be seen whilst other Premier League clubs continued to make complete arses of themselves. Season ticket renewals frozen, a commitment to refunding any games unplayed, casual staff paid until the end of the season and players donating 30% of their wages to the NHS. We’re the first to point out when the club does something wrong – it’s one of this fanzine’s raisons d’etre – so it’s only right we highlight those odd occasions when they get things right. Fair play to all concerned.

I suppose we should give a nod of acknowledgement to Corona for the two-footed, knee-high challenge it delivered to Liverpool’s title-challenge just as they were clean through on goal. I know this makes us look incredibly petty and bitter but what else are we supposed to do? Should we forget the decades of intense rivalry and start lighting candles for them instead? I don’t think so. Let’s make this perfectly clear. The clamour to restart Premier League football is motivated by money, but never underestimate the scousers’ influence and the consequences for any individual seen as conspiring to deny them their moment of glory.

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If it was any other club top of the table, there would be pressure to resume playing again but the narrative being played out in the tabloid press would be vastly different. My mind keeps going back 20 years to when any MUFC defeat was greeted like VE Day. If this was a United team closing in on a 3rd consecutive league title, I fully expect there’d be speeches in Parliament calling for the Premier League to cease and desist. Instead, we’re being fed the message that football’s return will somehow “lift the nation”. I suppose it might if you’re a Liverpool or a Leeds fan, but no one else seems to regard it as high on the list of priorities right now. Most are of the opinion it’s a ridiculous idea.

Ultimately, your response to a crisis like this reveals a lot about a person. You either take the sanguine approach and accept shit happens in life or you make an almighty tit of yourself, running round the supermarket hoovering up 700 bog rolls. No matter how much Liverpool delight in their hilarious ‘Tory Tory Man United’ jibes, let it be remembered that we weren’t the club furloughing staff and arguing with our own mayor after he deemed the Premier League’s resumption a “non-starter”. Interestingly, according to a report in The Times, Liverpool were supportive of moves to abandon the Women’s Super League on safety grounds. Probably just a coincidence that they’re in the relegation places there, I expect.

Anyway, that’s me done I think. We live in strange, uncertain times and whatever your situation, I hope you’re doing okay and filling your time productively. Try not to strangle your loved ones and I’ll see you next season when we’re all 25 stone and suffering with chronic liver disease. Wash your hands, take care and enjoy the extended break.

Copyright Red News – May 2020

www.rednews.co.uk

Fail We May, Sail We Must

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Football fans in this country really are easily pleased. Having commented on the growing discontent amongst the fanbase which led to an air of protest in and around Old Trafford last month, it’s now all but evaporated. What happened? It clearly doesn’t take much to win us over, does it? Win a couple of games + sign a new player = everything is well in the world. I despair at us sometimes. The Glazers and their appointed puppet masters are most likely laughing their heads off.

Cast your mind back 20 years and the likes of MUST and IMUSA were asking genuinely pertinent questions about the running of the club and key issues affecting supporters. Major battles were won, notably stopping the Murdoch takeover attempt, but ultimately the war was lost in 2005 when the Glazers took control. It still felt there was an ideological resistance in place, however. Nowadays our supporters groups’ objectives appear to extend little further than being served Strongbow Dark Fruits on draught.

The single fan collective boasting a visible presence inside OT and an ongoing dialogue with the club is TRA. Judging by the rapid fall-off in audible dissent since we returned from the winter break, it really is no wonder the club are keen to engage with those running the group. As far as I can make out the extent of their demands amounts to little more than cheap ale for their members and permission to stand without being hassled by stewards. Their intentions to help improve the atmosphere can’t be faulted, but I can’t help think they’re selling themselves short with their extremely limited, self-interested manifesto.

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We all know that so-called ultra groups have had success in affecting change at clubs on the continent. Perhaps it would be nice if TRA used their new-found status to push for something more than just a weekly piss up and a group singalong? Those running the group probably never considered the implications of entering into a close dialogue with the club, but things start to look a bit suspect when open hostility within their section drops to a murmur within the space of a few weeks. Still, at least everyone involved can pat themselves on the back now they’ve coincidentally been promised a significant number of additional seats for next season.

At whose expense though? Well that’s becoming a familiar pattern now, isn’t it? The Family Stand is being packed off into North Stand Tier 2 in a similar move to the evictions that took place in the Stretford End last year and J Stand before that. I’m sure it’s completely unintentional, but these switcharounds always seem to involve people sat in cheaper seats being forced to move into more expensive areas against their will. ‘You can pay for next season at your current rate then after that… well that’s your problem’. Still, as long as TRA have got Peroni and Estrella available and personal abuse of Woodward is quashed, no harm done and happy days.

Anyway, what about this Bruno Fernandes, eh? Whilst I’m not quite full-on, head over heels smitten kitten yet, I will happily admit to being slightly aroused by what we’ve witnessed so far. How refreshing it is to have someone demanding the ball constantly who looks totally comfortable in possession. It’s going to take a while to get used to this again after watching Lingard and Periera perfect the art of hiding in plain sight over the last couple of years.

I guess the note of caution comes from the fact we’ve experienced numerous false dawns similar to this in our desperation to herald the arrival of a game changing playmaker in recent times. Kagawa, Mkhitaryan, Di Maria and Sanchez all gained similarly rave reviews during their nascent United careers before fading miserably within a matter of weeks. Let’s hope the Bruno-inspired feel-good factor is still in place after 50 games and this current honeymoon period proves to be just a taster of what he’s capable of.

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The true end of an era is fast approaching now, with it all but inevitable that Liverpool will end a 30 year drought by winning the Premier League at some point during the next few weeks. As someone who grew up in the 80s, the thought of Liverpool waiting that long for a league title back then was completely absurd. Their victories were as routine as United’s failures – as a child it felt like Liverpool winning the league was almost pre-destined. That’s why Michael Thomas’ goal was celebrated so riotously in 1989, it was a genuinely life-affirming event to witness Liverpool beaten in such impossible circumstances.

Since then, I suppose we’ve had it pretty good overall. We’ve picked up more trophies and league titles than my 16 year old self could ever have anticipated and Liverpool’s ongoing travails have provided some truly glorious entertainment along the way. Honourable mentions going out here to Giorgio Armani, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Diego Forlan, John O’Shea, the United flag at Anfield after #19, Gerrard’s slip, Demba Ba, Patrice Evra, Luis Suarez, Crystanbul and Kenny Dalglish being the bitterest man on earth.

Yes. I’ve already come to terms with our fate and rather than feeling sorry for myself, I’m choosing the path of stoicism and self-reflection. We had a good run so we just have to suck it up now. At least they’re going to win the thing in March with a 55 point lead. Imagine how bad it potentially could’ve been if they’d scraped it on the last day with 80 points. Just don’t sweat it, coronavirus is coming. By the time they pick up the trophy the lucky ones amongst us will be living on Super Noodles and sleeping in oxygen chambers whilst everyone else is eating soil and bidding for used space suits on eBay.

It’s happening. Deal with it.

Copyright Red News – March 2020

www.rednews.co.uk

Run! Christian, Run!

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Season’s greetings, readers. It’s only been a couple of weeks since the last mag so it feels a tad premature to be sitting down and commenting on the latest chapter of this mostly-underwhelming season. Never mind, eh? At least after this column there’s a few weeks break until I’m back again with another 1100 words of cutting-edge and thrillingly insightful MUFC opinion. You never know, perhaps over the coming weeks there might be a continuation of this recent upturn in form so I’ll have nothing but positive vibes to share in the new year? We can only dream.

Anyway, all talk of doom and gloom is banished momentarily as we bask in what was a tremendous result in the Manchester derby. Possibly more important than the result was the performance itself, the first time in what feels like years that United have opted to go toe-to-toe with a genuine rival in an attempt to outplay them. It’s no exaggeration to say that first half display was perhaps the best we’ve witnessed since Fergie left. I know City aren’t as strong as they were but it was still great to see and something the players should take huge encouragement from.

The next step now (obviously) is to try and build on this and establish some consistency. We’ve shown we can do okay up against teams who play football, you just fear for these players still when they’re pitted against opponents who are up for a scrap. It’s alright taking points off City and Spurs, it’s the likes of Burnley and Newcastle who’ll continue to cause us major grief whilst the team is still in development mode. Anyway, credit where credit is due – that was a tremendously satisfying win after the wretched football that’s been served up for much of the season so far.

In other news, as a consequence of last Saturday’s heroics, it appears that we’ve accidentally handed Liverpool the title. I’ve made a conscious effort since August to ensure there was no repeat of last season where I spent about 6 months silently willing City to win each week in the hope they’d stop Liverpool winning the league. I’m not proud of this at all. Despite leaving me feeling increasingly grubby throughout the duration of this period, it worked to a point. City won it again to absolutely zero fanfare and crisis was averted for another year.

There’s no point sweating it anymore because this season, it’s definitely happening. It’s as inevitable as something that’s completely fucking inevitable. If you’ve ever fancied the Inca Trail, scaling Kilimanjaro or a short stay at Dignitas, get it booked now for next May. For the non-adventurous, brace yourself for an attempt on the longest and most significant media blackout of your entire football watching career. It’s going to be horrendous.

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I fully expect Sky staffers are already putting in overtime producing the celebratory montages now. It’ll be pretty easy in fairness as they’ve probably got a shitload leftover from last season that never made it to air. King Kenny, Gerry Marsden, Rogan Taylor, Mick Quinn, Steven Gerrard, Margaret Aspinall, Rafa Benitez, Colin Murray, Jimmy Tarbuck… expect the full cast, past and present to be wheeled out in tribute. I’m telling you now, plan ahead and be prepared for this as the eulogies will continue all summer long.

At least it means we’ve been spared the prospect of City wining three in a row, but let’s be honest, their domestic treble barely registered as very few people outside areas of Greater Manchester and Stockport are remotely interested. It’s weird how flat things seem over at Eastlands. The formerly happy-go-lucky, giddy blue hoards seem more focused on hounding journalists and shouting down allegations of human rights abuses in the United Arab Emirates than winning the European Cup.

They’d never admit it, but the time-served blues I know appeared to be having a lot more fun as the self-styled, morally superior, perennial underdogs of yesteryear. These days it’s just gripes about scousers, bent VAR decisions and wild conspiracy theories alleging UEFA corruption. They’re like lottery winners who moved off their old estate into a massive house, sent their kids to private school and now have a Range Rover and a Lamborghini on the driveway. Their old friends are jealous, the new neighbours are snobs with little respect for new money, so they’re left crippled with self-doubt and a nagging inferiority complex. Life is shit like that, sometimes.

Elsewhere in the Premier League, the seasonal ‘managerial merry-go-round’ is in full-swing with Everton and Arsenal both wielding the axe following Spurs’ recent dismissal of Pochettino. We can only hope Duncan Ferguson sticks around as it’ll only be a matter of weeks before he stops swinging ball boys round in celebration and instead starts grabbing them by the throat. Freddie Ljungberg by comparison is a spectacularly boring choice, Arsenal could have easily upped the bantz levels by bringing in Sol Campbell or Tony Adams in a hopelessly misguided attempt to bring about an improvement in form and player morale.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to one and all. My list this year includes a brand new ground development taking the OT capacity over 90 thousand, half a dozen new first team players in January and reduced bar prices for all, not just singing section barmies. In reality, I’m fully anticipating dropped points at Vicarage Road and Turf Moor whilst Liverpool are being crowned world champions. Buckle up, lads and lasses… as I’ve tried to warn you, scousemageddon is finally upon us.

Copyright Red News – December 2019

www.rednews.co.uk