Category Archives: Football

Things Change

Pensive louis

Like the majority of supporters, I’ve been mildly enthused with the changes Van Gaal has put in place since last summer. The football hasn’t been great, granted, but I’ve been towing the line and trying to focus on the positives. He’s cleared out numerous has-beens and never-gonna-bes, he’s brought in some decent players and he’s doggedly tried to instil this new ‘philosophy’ (more of which later). Whatever belief I had, however, has now been spent. Call it a moment of clarity, a rattle-out-the-pram incident, whatever… that final 48 hours of the transfer window on top of the last 20 minutes at Swansea has seen me flip-flop into the non-believer camp.

Swansea. It’s now over a week ago but I’m still finding it hard to shake the utter abomination of a performance that followed Mata’s goal. Luke Shaw aside, we were an absolute disaster. From the moment Fellaini entered proceedings, there was only one way it was going to end up. Seriously, is that it? That’s the extent of Plan B? Abandon all thoughts of playing football and lump it up front to the big lad? It’s so appalling it’s almost laughable – the kind of thing I’d stop myself doing when my lad’s under 7’s team were about to lose another game. It’s 2015 and that’s what we’re reduced to? That’s part of the philosophy? Seriously, every other manager/coach in the country must be pissing themselves.

Under Ferguson (and no apologies for mentioning him, he’s our main point of reference and set the standards for modern-day Manchester United), we were famed for our approach to chasing games in the dying minutes. It wasn’t done by simply ballooning the ball forwards, it was done by increasing the pressure, tempo and intensity until the opposition simply capitulated. This was coached into the players from the day they joined the club. We did it all the time… so frequently it became second nature. A reflex, almost – without thought or hesitation.

United under Van Gaal don’t play to their instincts, they play to a philosophy that demands stilted, possession football which stifles any attempt at creativity. Wander out of position, you get dropped. The amount of times players are seen glancing towards the bench rather than looking to each other for direction is telling. We’re inflexible – to the point the team lacks a collective personality and struggles to adapt to changing conditions (not the weather) mid-game.

So by looking towards the bench, what do the players actually receive? Very little, it appears. I can’t recall Van Gaal making a single call from the touchline, not one. Instead he’s sat on the bench clutching a dossier full of instructions which have presumably been relayed in painstaking detail during the days beforehand. Again, this just seems utterly baffling and unworkable. Things happen in football matches which require teams to react and improvise… United simply don’t at present. The message is clear, the team’s brain sits on the sidelines and deigns to speak to you when he sees fit. Until such time, you just do what you’ve been told.

Thankfully, due to real-life commitments, I managed to swerve deadline day on SSN this year. 12 hours of Jim White, Guillem Balagué and their ghastly supporting cast of unemployable ex-pros wasn’t worth a day’s holiday; so I was content to be stationed in work with nothing but text messages and internet access to keep me informed of ongoing developments.

Martial

Obviously, very little work got done. After the relative calm of deadline day last year, this year’s saw a return to the bumbling catastrofuck of 2013 aka ‘Fellaini Day’. Then, as now, we’re left surveying the aftermath and thinking, ‘what on earth has happened there?’

The club’s approach to acquisitions now appears to be completely at odds with the football we’re witnessing. Whereas everything is meticulously considered and precise on the field, with zero surprises mandatory; our method of signing players is more on a par with Van Gaal’s end of season speech – somewhat eccentric and largely incomprehensible. Instead of signing the central defender we’ve needed all summer, we sold one instead. Rather than sign a new keeper, we sold another… in fact we very nearly sold another three.

Whether the De Gea non-transfer was United taking revenge on Madrid for the Ramos dealings, or Perez failing to install Adobe Reader in time, I have no idea… and no real interest if I’m being honest. What’s clear though, is that we’re left with a £30M asset whose head is elsewhere and who doesn’t want to be here. It’s all very embarrassing – and reflects badly on the credibility of any long-term plan in place. All summer we maintained that De Gea wasn’t going anywhere, then that suddenly changed with 12 hours remaining. If the intent was to sell him all along, then Madrid should have been set a deadline to conclude a deal weeks ago. It was amateur hour. Cityesque, almost.

Becoming embroiled in last day dramas doesn’t indicate a calm or measured approach, instead it smacks of vital decisions being made on instinct alone. Anthony Martial at £36-52M may turn out to be a world beater, but at the moment he’s just a teenage kid who nobody had heard of this time last week. Expecting him to come in and seamlessly adapt to the Premier League isn’t just a speculative punt from Van Gaal, it demonstrates the club moving to an unprecedented level of desperation.

If Martial comes in and looks the part, then brilliant – I’ll be the first to apologise for ever having doubted the man. In the meantime though, it’s now clear that this signing could either make or break Van Gaal at Old Trafford. For such a master pragmatist and keen philosopher, he’s made a monumental gamble here. At the moment it resembles something of a public unravelling or a last-throw-of-the-dice. Time will tell whether instead, it proves to be his masterstroke.

Copyright Red News – September 2015

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Get It Together

bastian

For the first time in weeks, right on cue, the sun has decided to make an appearance today. So rather than spending my time productively, making a serious attempt at tidying up the garden (a job that has been pending since the end of last season), instead I find myself stuck indoors writing this. Meanwhile, just a few miles south of here, thoughts are with the editor and his good lady who’re nervously awaiting the imminent arrival of Barnstonworth Chilton Jnr – the firstborn, rightful son and heir to the Red News empire.

With baby already over a week late and his birth now coinciding with this mag’s deadline, it’s debatable whether or not you’ll be reading this on the first day of the season. If this mag has appeared at the Spurs game, then it’s taken a superhuman effort from the Ed (and his incredibly understanding wife) to publish on time. I swear, if Barney actually had hair, it would probably have fallen out again this week.

Anyway, since we’re now in August it’s time for football again, so let’s get down to business. As anticipated, we’ve been reasonably active during the transfer window with new faces arriving and old faces ummmm…. departing. It’s farewell to (oh ffs) Nani, the man who lit up Old Trafford on numerous occasions but spent much of the last 8 seasons making a solid claim to be the most brainless footballer to have featured in Manchester United’s recent history. Bearing in mind his signing coincided with the arrival of Anderson back in 2007, that’s quite an impressive achievement.

Nani had all the tools to succeed but the most well-developed facet of his game was his extraordinary ability to make spectacularly poor decisions. Of course he was able to wallop one in from 30 yards every 3 months, but in-between we had to suffer his bad days which became ever more frequent as his confidence drained and our patience slowly evaporated. Fenerbahce will suit him well providing he gets off to a good start and keeps the loonballs who support them onside, though he’ll soon be hot-footing it back to the sanctuary of Sporting Lisbon if he meets their disproval by not contributing a great deal whilst drawing a sizeable salary.

pimpedmemphis

Joining him in Istanbul is Robin Van Persie, following a three year spell here in which he performed majestically for 12 months before taking Fergie’s retirement personally and nosediving into a long-term sulk/slump/injury hit decline. Despite leaving us short of out-and-out strikers, his departure is probably for the best as it’s difficult to see how his fortunes would’ve improved with Rooney a guaranteed starter. RVP was a funny one though, in that I could never properly warm to him in much the same way I struggled to accept Teddy Sheringham as one of us.

Although both seemed delighted to arrive here, I never managed to shake the feeling they were just opportunistic Spurs/Arsenal players looking for a shot at a couple of quick medals. It’s a ridiculous assertion I know, with 99% of footballers being glory-hunters with no genuine club affiliation, but seeing him ballooning about on an open-topped bus and kissing the badge just seemed so utterly fake considering he’d spent the previous 8 years in North London.

Next up, how do you solve a problem like Di Maria? Well it looks like you try and flog him to PSG… with his likely departure not coming a moment too soon. I’m hard pressed to recall this clown contributing anything since his goal at Leicester last September, and he’ll rightly go down in history as United’s biggest ever transfer flop. Talk about a letdown… a couple of scallies climb over his fence and wander round his garden last winter and his entire entourage start pining for the green, green grass of Paris. Paris ffs! Fantastically cultured city and all that but Jesus, if he thinks Prestbury is rough just wait ’til the race riots kick off over there again. The guy’s a complete waste of space and I hope he enjoys playing in front of 4,000 people away at Nancy-Lorraine on a Friday night, the absolute fraud.

Anyway, never mind yesterday’s men… it’s all about the latest influx of red-shirted gladiators now. First up is Memphis Depay, announced at the end of last season and already earmarked to be played out of position due to a lack of Rooney back-up. Memphis looks every inch your archetypal, modern day footballer… it’s all £1,200 Louboutin trainers, 4 grand iPhones, eccentric sunglasses and jeans with massive holes in. By comparison, new right back Matteo Darmian appears almost disappointingly normal. Whereas Memphis seems intent on adopting the look of a bisexual rap artist (which he carries off with some aplomb to be fair), Matteo is the image of Neil from The Inbetweeners.

Neil

The big name arrival this summer, who fingers crossed proves a more successful acquisition than either Di Maria or Falcao last term, is Bastian Schweinsteiger. Bavarian warrior, midfield general, lederhosen aficionado… he seems an absolutely perfect fit – the player we’ve been in dire need of for at least 5 consecutive summers. As it is, he’s 31 now, so the days of him rampaging round the field for 50 games a season are probably behind him. If he can stay fit for half of those though, he’ll prove invaluable and a much-needed, experienced older-head for any high-stakes, big-game encounters we face over the coming seasons.

Next up is Morgan Schneiderlin, who sounds like he could be German, but is in fact French. He’s had a bit of a strange career trajectory has Morgan, having played only 5 games for Strasbourg before leaving at 18 to join Southampton. Since then the poor sod has been stuck there for 7 years, only rising to prominence after being called-up to the France squad just prior to last summer’s World Cup. Then, as you may recall, he threw a bit of a strop as the club began selling all their best players. His career has been a bit of a slow-burner then, but 25 is a good age to sign an international midfielder who’s got plenty of experience in English football. Long term replacement for Carrick? Let’s hope so.

The final piece of the jigsaw (thus far) is Sergio Romero. Snapped up on a free following his release by Sampdoria and our latest attempt at signing an Argentinian footballer who won’t turn out to be a complete dick. There’s history there with him and Van Gaal as Romero was in net during Louis’ successful spell at AZ Alkmaar. Presumably he’s just been brought in as cover for De Gea following the falling out with Valdes, assuming the goateed one remains here and hasn’t been shipped off to Madrid at the last minute.

All in all, I reckon we can be reasonably satisfied with what we’ve seen to date. Worryingly however, the one area in which we needed strengthening the most is still to be addressed. Last season proved that Jones, Evans and Smalling can’t be relied upon to remain injury-free for any length of time, so it’ll be a major surprise/minor catastrophe if we don’t see a new recruit in that position before the end of the month. If anything, despite the lack of a striker to replace Van Persie, the squad looks a bit top heavy to me at present. Mata and Herrera especially must be uneasy about their prospects when you consider both the increased competition for midfield places and the fact Van Gaal didn’t seem entirely convinced by either throughout much of last season.

As for Van Gaal’s preferred line up, all shall be revealed over the coming weeks. In the meantime, let’s just try and get some points on the board without resorting to lumping the ball up to Fellaini…

Copyright Red News – August 2015

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Stormy Clouds

Luke Shaw

As the years go by and the faces change, United never seem to lose that innate ability to make things difficult for themselves. Any thoughts of ending the season on a high have been obliterated in recent weeks, as it only took Carrick getting injured and Rooney dropping back into midfield for old problems to re-emerge. After 3 defeats on the bounce, that period of 4 games when everything clicked during March and April now resembles more of a blip than a season-defining eureka moment.

Although Van Gaal has delivered a return to the Champions League, everything points towards another summer of extravagant spending and further squad upheaval. Back in August, Falcao and Di Maria were the 2 genuine big dawgs brought in yet both have proven spectacular flops. Young and Fellaini meanwhile, despite appearing to have no future here, each end the season as deserved first choice starters. Whether that’ll still be the case at the start of next term remains to be seen, but their upturn in fortunes highlights the futility of making predictions and the absolute minefield that is squad preparation and planning.

As well as the gruesome twosome of Radamel and Angel, the other major disappointment has been Luke Shaw – the £30M wunderkind who is currently looking about £25M overpriced. If you’re being kind, you can focus on the mitigating factors of his age, his inexperience and the constant injuries he’s suffered all season. Worryingly though, on the rare occasions he has featured, I’m hard pressed to recall very much that marks him out as anything special. At all. When I look at Shaw, he makes me think ‘John Curtis’. Playing for United just smacks of too much, too young for him at present – he’d be better off being taken out of the spotlight and trying to get his mojo back out on loan somewhere.

Another one who’s had a tough time of late is Adnan Januzaj, the fleet-footed, ferret-faced great white hope of the Moyes era who looked a genuine contender for about 15 minutes last season. This year, Adnan has been relegated to the dubious role of ‘comes on with 20 minutes left and gives the ball away repeatedly’ – it’s got to the stage where he knows it and everybody watching knows it too. Like Shaw, he looks like he’d benefit from a year away learning his trade elsewhere. He’s clearly not good enough to be starting games, and he’s not making any kind of impression during these brief cameo appearances. Whatever we’re doing with him currently doesn’t appear to be working, which suggests a re-think might be required before his career at OT stalls completely.

Still, as the arrival of Memphis Depay demonstrates, at least we’re doing our ‘business early’. You can’t pick up a paper or watch 5 minutes of SSN without being reminded how important it is to ‘get your business done early’… as if signing players in July or August is a completely catastrophic idea, tantamount to enlisting Harry Redknapp to oversee business on transfer deadline day. I have no idea about Depay. He’s got loads of tattoos, which means he looks like a footballer and he’s apparently got a bit of an attitude problem, which means he also acts like a footballer. Add in a 10 minute highlights reel on YouTube showing him tormenting the likes of NAC Breda and Go Ahead Eagles, and you’ve got all the evidence needed to suggest we’re onto a surefire winner with the lad.

An immeasurably pleasing sub-plot of the Depay capture is the news he was Liverpool’s chief object of desire this summer. Apparently they’ve been courting him for the last 18 months(!) and on one occasion, the player was even blessed with a papal visit from the great man himself, Brendan Rodgers. One can only imagine the cringeworthy introductory spiel he was subjected to, “I see you as a precious orchid, Memphis… I want to nurture you and nourish you.” Little wonder he opted for Old Trafford the moment big Louis strode in and slapped his balls on the table. Naturally, Rodgers was quick to refute any interest on LFC’s part, flatly denying reports to the contrary. This despite PSV recently going on record stating that Liverpool were in regular contact and talks had taken place between club and player. Oh dear.

What then, do we make of Van Gaal’s first year in charge? All season I’ve tried to remain positive, convincing myself we’ve been making progress in the face of setbacks that were to be expected. But truthfully, the last couple of weeks have been as grim as anything witnessed under Moyes. LVG himself hasn’t shown himself up as the barking, strutting mentalist some anticipated. He’s proven himself to be more of a chilled-out entertainer during his TV spots and press conferences – tersely avuncular as opposed to passionately unhinged.

There have been numerous occasions this season where we’ve looked in dire need of some sort of direction from the sidelines, particularly as we’ve struggled with the ability to change tempo and chase late goals. Once upon a time that would have been Fergie’s cue to start prowling the touchline, seeking out an instant response… which he found, more often than not. Van Gaal, almost disappointingly, appears to have taken a vow of stasis in such circumstances. Ryan Giggs easing himself off the bench with his hands in his pockets then waving his arms about a bit just doesn’t seem to have the desired effect.

If we’re assuming another half-dozen new faces arrive and a handful exit the club, that leaves United pretty much where we were at the start of this season. Another £150M down, players attempting to settle into English football and a manager still experimenting with his best formation and starting XL. At the moment, it’s acceptable because 4th represents steady progress after finishing 7th last year. Any failure to challenge for the title next term though, and LVG might be struggling to call on the goodwill he’s being afforded at present. Put another way, it’s doubtful whether many will tolerate a 3rd consecutive season of transition.

Anyway, that’s me done. See you back in August for more idle speculation, poorly judged opinion and juvenile bitching. Hugs.

Copyright Red News – May 2015

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