Category Archives: Football

Roll With The Punches

Last month I had a proper whinge about our abysmal home form, a moan about the relevance of the FA Cup and ended with a flippant call for Moyes to do something to sort things out. To be fair to the manager, my gripes have certainly been addressed over the last few weeks. We’re now losing away games as well (evidence that we’ve discovered some long overdue consistency of performance) and we’ve been knocked out of both domestic cups. This time out I’ll limit my requests to next week’s lottery numbers and a night with Kate Upton if you’re reading, Dave?

I’m writing this in the aftermath of the Stoke game: another mess of a performance and our 8th league defeat of the season – this one with the added bonus of losing two more centre backs to injury. Despite results getting steadily worse as the season progresses, this car crash of a campaign remains quite captivating… in the same way one feels compelled to gawp at someone with an unfortunate facial disfigurement. It’s far too early to start trumpeting ‘things can only get better’, because the very distinct possibility exists they could get a whole lot worse over the next few months.

The one upside of regular defeats is that they stop stinging after a while. For the last 20 years, a narrow defeat in a game we expected 3 points had the ability to wreck an entire weekend. Not anymore. The blows have become so frequent of late that I’m barely flinching now. City are scoring a million goals per game and look unstoppable whereas we’ve gone shit. To deal with it, I’ve focused on not dealing with it – and I’ve discovered that being utterly impassive is helping immensely. It’s a bit mard, I know and I’ll have to face up to things eventually but in the meantime, don’t judge me. This is just how things are… the new reality. We’re surveying the wreckage of the post-Fergie apocalypse.

Even during these dark times, however – there are days that come along which give you a spring in your step, a fresh sense of optimism and some renewed hope that things might be heading in the right direction. No, not the Juan Mata signing – we’ll get to that in a bit. What I mean is that whatever David Moyes does or doesn’t achieve in future, he’ll always have my eternal gratitude for finally ridding us of that appalling, fat waster Anderson.

Quite how this clown managed to complete 6 and a half seasons at OT will be difficult to explain to future generations. He was constantly out-of-shape, his re-fuelling habits a source of mirth even amongst his own team mates and when he did manage to get himself on the pitch, his performances were frequently dreadful. He didn’t tackle, he lacked the energy and discipline to play box-to-box and his passing was woeful… I’m not even going to comment on his shooting technique. Actually, I will – it was completely shit.

The only time Anderson ever looked like he had a genuine (no pun intended) appetite for any on-pitch physical exertion was during end-of-season trophy presentations when he’d rouse himself from his perpetual stupor and head straight for the cameras, doing that samba dance routine that’s mandatory for all South American ex-pat footballers. That’s the sum total of what we’re going to miss from Anderson – his ability to dance and balloon about the gaff whilst sticking his tongue out. I just hope to Christ he manages to convince Fiorentina that his loan move should be made permanent in the summer so we’re rid of him for good, the fucking fraud.

The departures didn’t stop there. Fabio left for Cardiff, which seems a hell of a comedown for a still young, international footballer who featured in a Champions League final less than 3 years ago. Unfortunately he just never seemed to kick on and find a settled position at United – looking identical, playing in the same position and sharing the same impetuous streak as his brother all counted against him in the end. Wilfred Zaha also headed to South Wales and following his debut, has already racked up the same amount of assists that Antonio Valencia has managed all season. The way our season is unravelling, don’t be surprised if he continues this progress and ends up picking up the PFA Young Player award.

Amazingly, it turns out that Federico Macheda is still on United’s payroll and has now been loaned out for something like the 17th time in his career – this time to Birmingham City. Quite why he was ever given a long term deal remains a mystery – as it was clear within weeks of his career high debut that he was incredibly limited and unlikely to make the grade at the top level. Still, he started well at his new club too, scoring a last minute equaliser in a 3-3 draw – which Wikipedia informs me is his 10th goal in 6 seasons. Prolific or what? If he keeps this up, expect United to bring him back in the summer and reward him with a new 5 year contract.

Moyes signalled the start of the transfer window by stating that although he didn’t expect any significant arrivals, “the number of big players who want to join Manchester United is incredible.” Really? Whether this meant ‘big’ as in ‘good’ or ‘big’ as in ‘tall, like Fellaini’ remained uncertain, but within days we’d actually managed to not completely mess up the signing of Juan Mata. This was something of a shock and surely evidence of a u-turn in United’s thinking. In the summer we didn’t pursue a reputed interest in Özil due to still having hope that Kagawa would prove his worth, but surely Shinji’s legion of internet fanboys/apologists would now concede that he simply hasn’t worked out?

Mata, like Kagawa, is undoubtedly a great talent. Unlike Kagawa, however – he’s demonstrated the ability to adapt his talents to the demands of English football. If Moyes has lost patience with Kagawa’s failings and come to the conclusion his future lies elsewhere, then I at least applaud his decisiveness. One of the obvious shortcomings of United’s squad at present is that there are too many habitual under performers – limited players on top wages and long term deals who are going to prove difficult and expensive to replace. Young, Cleverley and Valencia (the first 3 who come to mind… there are more) need to be moved on ruthlessly and efficiently. Signing a player of Mata’s calibre is all well and good, but it’s only going to start paying dividends when he’s joined by 3-4 more of a similar standard.

It was interesting to note the reactions of certain blue-tinged acquaintances of mine following the Mata signing. It’s fair to say they were a tad miffed by events, with them being so well-versed now in outspending United during each transfer window. One on my radar even attempted to outlandishly claw back some moral high ground by asserting that “City have never spent that much on a player.” This didn’t ring true at all, which prompted me to check and discover that Aguero cost them £38M and Tevez, reputedly as much as £45M. City fans taking umbrage with United’s spending – you have to admire their chutzpah, you really do.

Even more comical was the recent publication of City’s accounts for their financial year ending May 2013. Everything appears to be going swimmingly for ‘the project’: losses are down to a mere £52M and their income is now the 6th highest of any club in Europe, a total of £271M. It’s only when you scratch beneath the surface they reveal this figure includes £143M from sponsoring themselves and another £44M from selling intellectual property rights (again, to themselves.) Unsurprisingly, with this fantasy island income stream in place, they are more than confident of meeting UEFA’s FFP requirements. “Growing revenues and controlled expenses are bringing the club to break even in the immediate future, and profitability thereafter.”

I’m going to presume they edited out the “…LOL, not really!”

www.rednews.co.uk

Stuck In The Middle With You

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Did anyone else look out of the window on New Year’s Day and wish they didn’t have to bother? A 5.30pm kick off with a persistent hangover, shitty weather and the suspicion that yet another miserable result lay ahead held such minimal appeal that I gave serious consideration to giving it the swerve by calling in sick. It’s been hard work of late – the triumvirate of home games in a week during early December led to me questioning my sanity. It’s not the financial outlay (you can never dwell on that, because if you did you’d never go ever again), it’s just we’re really… and I mean REALLY boring to watch at the minute.

Perhaps it’s the inevitable comedown after 20 years of success, but there just seems to be a distinct lack of fun surrounding United at present. Eternal optimists will point out that the Spurs defeat came off the back of 6 consecutive wins, but how many of them provided anything remotely resembling excitement? (Alright, the stirring comeback at Hull I’ll give you but it’s Hull ffs… and the fact we found ourselves 0-2 down was crushingly predictable.)

I’m loathe to start criticising Moyes but since we’re past the half-way stage of the season, it’s time for his 6 month appraisal… and it’s been pretty miserable so far. The fiasco of the transfer dealings in the summer (not all down to him, admittedly), defenders in midfield, wingers at right back, the general over-reliance on crap wide men… these were hallmarks of Fergie’s last couple of seasons in charge that we hoped we’d finally seen the back of. However, the truth is we’re a dull and predictable side to watch – and crucially, that fear factor teams felt when coming to Old Trafford has all but evaporated.

Times like these aren’t unprecedented of course. Fergie’s tenure was punctuated by many low points but rarely were they greeted with the stoic acceptance which is becoming Moyes’ stock response to a setback. “We’ll try and win our next game, which is what Manchester United always do.” Great. That’s me assured – though hardly Churchillian, is it? I can only hope that such platitudes are served up for the benefit of the press and the players are privy to something a tad more inspirational.

The press reaction at present is an interesting point. Both Moyes and Woodward have gone to some lengths to try and repair the fractious relationship that Fergie helped create over the years. It was ‘open house’ during the summer tour, there have been subsequent off-record breakfast briefings and dinners on expenses; as well as the club re-opening dialogue with the likes of MUST, SEF and the fanzines (with the exception of Red News who still appear to be personae non gratae within OT).

If Fergie had still been in charge with United stuck in 7th place, can you imagine the reaction right now? I’ll wager there would be absolute uproar in the media with hacks falling over themselves to stick the boot in. Instead, it appears that the schmoozing and olive branches have paid dividends – there was plenty written about the deadline day shenanigans but it’s all quite sedate in the tabloids. After witnessing the mauling Fergie received at the slightest sign of a crisis, it’s slightly perturbing to witness United getting beaten without us getting a kicking in the papers.

This could be the crux of what’s missing at present. In the past we’ve been used to Fergie in full-on bullish mode following a poor run of form. He’d come out fighting, slap the nay-sayers around the chops and convince us all it was no biggie and we’d be back within weeks. This was how United operated for years – a default response to defeat which served us well on countless occasions. Instead, now we’ve got Moyes announcing that ‘bloody noses’ are inevitable and the team will ‘try to win the next game’. As I said, one only hopes he’s making a compelling case to the players – because he’s certainly not convincing me at present.

Anyway, leaving aside our current woes – it’s January so that means slo-mo montages of Charlie George, Ronnie Radford and Keith Houchen’s diving header… yes, it’s FA Cup time again. Back in those halcyon days of the 70’s and 80’s – when being out of the title picture in January was very much the norm – the 3rd round of the cup came along and provided welcome respite from the weekly grind of sub-par league performances. These days, however – it’s a very different beast whose appeal continues to diminish year after year.

Yes, I know it still manages to throw up the odd good draw with the bonus of an off-grid away trip – but the cold, hard truth is that the competition is now a lame duck that needs putting out of its misery. The prestige in winning it is negligible, the history and tradition elements over-sentimentalised and for every semi-final meeting with City you’ve got to suffer a multitude of wrist-slitting home draws against face painted, foam hand waving, lower league numpties all enjoying their ‘special day’. It’s a bag of shit and it has been for years.

This isn’t some toys-out-of-the-pram reactionary piece and I’m aware that many won’t agree – but the cup now isn’t what we grew up with. All the things we loved about it (they don’t require spelling out) are now consigned to history and it lost whatever ‘magic’ it had a long time ago. Just enjoy the memories and be thankful that we won it on numerous occasions during the time it was worth winning… because these days it should be viewed as nothing more than a constituent part of a double or a treble.

The question of the cup’s relevance recently came up on an internet forum I frequent – opinion turned out to be evenly split between those agreeing it was a spent force and others clinging to the notion it still means something. One lad claimed, “I’d rather finish 10th and win the cup than finish 4th and not win anything.” A highly principled stance that – but really? You’d rather have an FA Cup win (£3.5M total prize money and place in the Europa next season) than finish 4th and get into the Champions League proper (£40M+ for reaching the quarters) and the chance of signing someone half-decent in the summer? Admirable sentiments certainly, but it just smacks of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

We’re going to have to get used to this mindset pretty quickly because that’s the nailed on, new reality United are currently faced with. Were you cringing at the end of last season watching Arsenal balloon around the pitch at Newcastle whilst celebrating a 4th place finish? Think again, because that may well be us in a few months time. What have we become? If things weren’t depressing enough, City are odds-on favourites to win the league and Liverpool remain well placed.

Can you sort this out please, Dave?

www.rednews.co.uk

Into The Valley

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Football commentators should be heard but not seen, I’ve decided. Think of the ones that really piss you off, Alan Green or Jonathan Pearce for example – you’d be able to recognise them in the street, right? Of course you would. Now consider the ones that you generally have no feelings towards, names like Mike Ingham, John Murray and Ian Dennis – these blokes are just voices, doing the job they’re paid to do without resorting to hyperbole or moralising. You wouldn’t be able to recognise them because they’ve never had a camera pointed at them – even their own families might struggle to pick them out in a crowd.

Like referees, being a commentator is a very weird occupation when you consider it. Some try to proclaim it as a ‘dream job’, getting paid to watch football – but it just strikes me as an utterly soul-destroying career choice. All those hours driving up and down motorways, waiting around at airports, nights in shitty hotels, listening to Niall Quinn drone on as he evaluates Knutsford Services’ range of Ginsters’ pasties for the 47th time – it must be horrendous.

Anyway, as soon as these blokes cross that line where the camera is turned on them, they seem to undergo a change where they cease being mere broadcasters and instead feel the need to develop a personality. They hire agents, start earning bigger money and suddenly they’re described as ‘legendary’, ‘outspoken’ and ‘respected’. At this point, the fundamental purpose of their job – to describe the action at football matches – gets lost completely. Instead, you’re left with unhinged, Maude Flanders-type figures, serving up indignation and outrage at the expense of reason and perspective.

The reason for this little rant – as you might have guessed – was the performance of Martin Tyler during United’s game at Cardiff the other week. Tyler was just a normal, faceless-type commentator once upon a time, back in the days when he was ITV’s No.2 behind Brian Moore. He had the foresight to jump on the Sky bandwagon back when satellite telly was in its infancy, a decision that proved to be a very astute one. Alongside Keys and Gray, he became one of the faces of Sky’s all-conquering coverage during the 90’s – and he’s still going strong now aged 68, having survived the culling of his former colleagues.

Tyler is horrendous to listen to these days. Pious and condescending, a self-appointed ‘guardian of the game’ who constantly uses his exalted position to try and provoke witch-hunts and stir up controversy. My terminal distaste for the bloke started last season when he was still hell-bent on pursuing his ‘De Gea is shit’ agenda, even when the rest of the population had woken up to the fact he was the best young goalkeeper in the country. Tyler still wasn’t convinced though, “Hmmm, United’s young keeper under pressure there…we know how much he struggles with the physical side of the game – don’t we, Gary?”

So Rooney gets into a tangle with Daffyd Williams or whoever and boots him. It’s probably a red card but since it’s really early in the game, he gets away with a yellow. It’s the kind of thing you see 50+ times a season, not in the slightest bit controversial in truth. Tyler however, is left utterly bereft at the great injustice that has befallen the plucky underdogs and proceeds to whinge about the decision throughout the entire game. Rooney scores: “well, Cardiff can feel aggrieved at the fact Wayne Rooney is still on the pitch!” Rooney sets a goal up: “Well this is just pouring salt on the wound!” Cardiff player gets booked: “It almost seems unfair that a yellow card is the same punishment Rooney received for what appeared a much more serious offence.” On and on and on and on, he whined – it was absolutely pathetic.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this other than to state: Martin Tyler, what a complete dick.

I read the other day that an anagram of Marouane Fellaini is ‘a lone, failure man’. This pleased me immensely so I duly checked and sadly, it turns out that it isn’t strictly true and instead it’s ‘a lone, failure main’ – but for the purposes of this we’ll go with ‘a lone failure man’. Yes, I’m sorry to confirm that our new, midfield lynchpin looks a complete dud at present. Slow, no physical presence, immobile, shit passer – the guy looks lost – just as many doom-laden sages predicted he would.

In every decent game I saw him play for Everton (invariably against United), he played much further forward but Moyes has so far tried to integrate him into the side as a deep-lying defensive midfielder. The problem is that Michael Carrick has made that position his own in recent seasons – it’s the one area of the midfield where there hasn’t been an issue. With Carrick injured at present, the hope was that Fellaini would be able to thrive in his absence. However, when presented with a starting role at Sociedad and Cardiff he looked lethargic and out-of-sorts as United regularly surrendered possession. Playing Phil ‘Wreck-It Ralph’ Jones has proven a much more successful alternative – as witnessed in the games vs Arsenal at home and Leverkuson away.

Despite a less-than-impressive start, it’s too early to write him off just yet, especially considering he’s playing with a busted arm – although yes, I know that never stopped Eric. Worryingly, Moyes has suggested that part of the underlying problem is that he’s been played so deep – hinting that in future he might be utilised further forward. Evertonians would no doubt smirk at this suggestion, as it became common knowledge at Goodison that Fellaini moving up front signalled ‘last-throw-of-the dice’ tactics that usually failed. He’s not an attacking midfielder, he just he played there a few times with limited success – more often than not against United.

Overall, the team look to be building up a nice bit of momentum as we approach the (cliché incoming) ‘busy, festive period’. After a ropey start we’ve clocked 11 games unbeaten – although please bear in mind, I’m writing this before the Spurs away game where things will inevitably come crashing down. We’re reasonably well-placed then, and although I don’t expect we’ll win the title this season – remaining in contention and a comfortable top four finish will be enough to prove most doubters wrong. For now.

Just as David Moyes is starting to get his head around the job, I’m starting to get my head around him too – it’s all been a bit like being introduced to an eager-to-please, new stepdad so far. He still has a fair bit to learn about us, however. Just as that element of trust is being established he comes out with a statement like “I would have taken the result before the game”, following the disappointing draw in South Wales.

Listen David, with all due respect, this isn’t Everton. We’re Man United – we don’t take draws at places like Cardiff, we suffer them.