Category Archives: Football

A Child’s Claim To Fame

Diego

When the editor asked me to note down any recollections I had of United vs Barcelona in March 1984, I was shocked with the realisation that we were approaching the 30th anniversary of the game. THIRTY YEARS. Wow, where the fuck has that gone?

On reflection, 1984 was pretty miserable. My Dad’s work was sporadic at the time which meant there was very little spare cash floating about. Consequently, I was on free school dinners, rocking 4 stripe trainers off the market and riding round a purple Raleigh Chopper instead of the much-coveted Adidas Grand Slam and Mongoose BMX’s that my friends were enjoying. The news had stopped talking about imminent nuclear war and riots and was instead concerned with Torvill & Dean and the plight of the miners. Lionel Ritchie was Number 1 in the charts. None of this really registered with me to be honest, it was only background noise because I still had United to look forward to.

The Old Trafford of my childhood was nothing like the gigantic shrine to commercialism that stands in its place today. Back then, it was just a football ground that had barely changed in decades. If I had to sum up 1980’s OT in two words, they would probably be ‘faded glamour’. Paint peeling off rusty girders, cracked panes of glass, the stenches of chip fat, rancid burgers, bleach and perpetual under achievement – it was as grim as it was intoxicating.

United were doing pretty well by March, however. Unbeaten in 16 league games, we went top of the table 4 days prior to the Barca game after smashing Arsenal 4-0 at Old Trafford – a game notable for scores of people brandishing clipboards around the turnstiles, collecting signatures imploring the club not to sell Bryan Robson. It seems a quaint idea now, somewhat naive… but that’s how important Robbo was at the time. A figurehead, a leader, a genuine colossus – the sort of midfielder who comes along once in a generation. It was perhaps fitting then, that those United fans doing their best to persuade player and club to resist suitors from abroad, were rewarded days later with a performance that was probably the finest of his career.

Despite United possessing a genuine world class talent in Robson, Barcelona boasted an even greater star themselves in the shape of Diego Maradona – and just having the chance to see him in the flesh was a major event in itself. Back then there was no Champions League or televised football on the scale there is today – indeed I’d listened to the 1st leg, 2-0 reverse on the radio. The only time Maradona had ever really been seen was during the ’82 World Cup where he’d been largely anonymous and marked out of the tournament. Despite being this enigmatic, almost mythical figure, he was still generally considered to be the greatest player in the world – although he wouldn’t go on to prove that until the tournament in Mexico, 2 years later.

I’d been going to United for a couple of years by 1984 and had attended both previous European games that season, vs Dukla Prague (soon to be immortalised after being namechecked by legendary 80’s scouse pop-ironists Half Man Half Biscuit) and the never-again-to-be-heard-of Spartak Varna of Bulgaria. This was all very exciting in itself due to European football being all exotic and unknown and that, but drawing Barcelona in the QF was proper next level shit. It seemed about as big as it was ever gonna get.

After sweating on whether or not I’d actually get a ticket – my Dad was often lax in buying the requisite two programmes per game for the tokens – there was much relief when he confirmed it was all sorted. I had a ticket in my hand: Stretford Groundside Junior, for the scarcely credible by today’s standards sum of £1.20.

ticket

Although we always paid into the Stretford End (a season ticket or LMTB wasn’t a necessity back then), we never watched the game there because being sub-5ft and weighing about 5 stone at the time, I’d probably have been trampled to death. Instead we had a regular arrangement going with the old boy on the gate, who was paid £1 per game to let us through to the seats upstairs in E-Stand. Not that we ever sat down, our spec was right behind the goal at the top – stood up against the handrail.

That handrail was the bane of my life for a couple of years, since its height was exactly level with my line of sight. This meant I had two options: either I could watch the game on tiptoes with my chin resting on top or more comfortably, with my brow resting on the bar whilst peering underneath. As a result, I’d usually leave the match sporting a horizontal indent on my forehead that would remain visible for the next couple of hours.

The game, as has been recounted many times since that night, was absolutely incredible. I’ve been at pretty much every big match in the intervening 30 years and nothing, perhaps only the white noise madness of that five minutes in the Nou Camp in ’99, comes close to the atmosphere generated. As a kid, I just recall being absolutely ecstatic to have experienced it first-hand and almost overwhelmed with happiness and relief following the final whistle. Before writing this I watched the 10 minute highlights clip on YouTube again and it genuinely makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

It’s the 3rd goal that does it. Wilkins picking the ball up in his own half and wheeling his arm, signalling for everyone to bomb forward. Robson clips a glorious ball out wide that’s met by Arthur Albiston and by the time his cross enters the box, the Stretford End are already celebrating the goal. Just listen to it, it’s mad. The cross comes in and the strangulated “YESSSSSSSS…” starts whilst the ball is still in the air. Whiteside heads it back across the penalty area and then Stapleton buries it. Bedlam. The cheering starts about 3 seconds before the ball hits the net.

Robbo

It was Robson’s night. Footage shows him absolutely exhausted at the end as he’s chaired off the pitch by hoards of cavorting wedge haircuts in stonewashed denim and Pringle jumpers. He staggers up the tunnel and is first gripped by Ron Atkinson, then looks in dire need of oxygen as he’s interviewed by Elton Welsby. Sadly, and typically for the era, our campaign fell to pieces after that. Arnold Muhren never kicked another ball that season, Robson was crucially injured for the 2nd leg of the Juventus semi and United limped home in the league, scoring only 8 goals and winning twice in our final 10 games. At least Robbo stayed though, with the board deciding to cash in on Ray Wilkins instead.

Despite being present as a 10 year old kid, I was fully aware of the night’s significance as it just felt absolutely huge in comparison to any game I’d attended previously. To this day, my Dad still describes it as “the best ever” and he’s been going to the match since the early 60’s – so that will do for me too. “Barcelona, Real Madrid, they will make a gallant bid, but United are the greatest team of all.” Damn right.

It was, quite simply, the greatest of the great Old Trafford nights.

Copyright Red News – March 2014

www.rednews.co.uk

Roll With The Punches

kate upton

Last month I had a proper whinge about our abysmal home form, a moan about the relevance of the FA Cup and ended with a flippant call for Moyes to do something to sort things out. To be fair to the manager, my gripes have certainly been addressed over the last few weeks. We’re now losing away games as well (evidence that we’ve discovered some long overdue consistency of performance) and we’ve been knocked out of both domestic cups. This time out I’ll limit my requests to next week’s lottery numbers and a night with Kate Upton if you’re reading, Dave?

I’m writing this in the aftermath of the Stoke game: another mess of a performance and our 8th league defeat of the season – this one with the added bonus of losing two more centre backs to injury. Despite results getting steadily worse as the season progresses, this car crash of a campaign remains quite captivating… in the same way one feels compelled to gawp at someone with an unfortunate facial disfigurement. It’s far too early to start trumpeting ‘things can only get better’, because the very distinct possibility exists they could get a whole lot worse over the next few months.

The one upside of regular defeats is that they stop stinging after a while. For the last 20 years, a narrow defeat in a game we expected 3 points had the ability to wreck an entire weekend. Not anymore. The blows have become so frequent of late that I’m barely flinching now. City are scoring a million goals per game and look unstoppable whereas we’ve gone shit. To deal with it, I’ve focused on not dealing with it – and I’ve discovered that being utterly impassive is helping immensely. It’s a bit mard, I know and I’ll have to face up to things eventually but in the meantime, don’t judge me. This is just how things are… the new reality. We’re surveying the wreckage of the post-Fergie apocalypse.

Even during these dark times, however – there are days that come along which give you a spring in your step, a fresh sense of optimism and some renewed hope that things might be heading in the right direction. No, not the Juan Mata signing – we’ll get to that in a bit. What I mean is that whatever David Moyes does or doesn’t achieve in future, he’ll always have my eternal gratitude for finally ridding us of that appalling, fat waster Anderson.

fatpig

Quite how this clown managed to complete 6 and a half seasons at OT will be difficult to explain to future generations. He was constantly out-of-shape, his re-fuelling habits a source of mirth even amongst his own team mates and when he did manage to get himself on the pitch, his performances were frequently dreadful. He didn’t tackle, he lacked the energy and discipline to play box-to-box and his passing was woeful… I’m not even going to comment on his shooting technique. Actually, I will – it was completely shit.

The only time Anderson ever looked like he had a genuine (no pun intended) appetite for any on-pitch physical exertion was during end-of-season trophy presentations when he’d rouse himself from his perpetual stupor and head straight for the cameras, doing that samba dance routine that’s mandatory for all South American ex-pat footballers. That’s the sum total of what we’re going to miss from Anderson – his ability to dance and balloon about the gaff whilst sticking his tongue out. I just hope to Christ he manages to convince Fiorentina that his loan move should be made permanent in the summer so we’re rid of him for good, the fucking fraud.

The departures didn’t stop there. Fabio left for Cardiff, which seems a hell of a comedown for a still young, international footballer who featured in a Champions League final less than 3 years ago. Unfortunately he just never seemed to kick on and find a settled position at United – looking identical, playing in the same position and sharing the same impetuous streak as his brother all counted against him in the end. Wilfred Zaha also headed to South Wales and following his debut, has already racked up the same amount of assists that Antonio Valencia has managed all season. The way our season is unravelling, don’t be surprised if he continues this progress and ends up picking up the PFA Young Player award.

Amazingly, it turns out that Federico Macheda is still on United’s payroll and has now been loaned out for something like the 17th time in his career – this time to Birmingham City. Quite why he was ever given a long term deal remains a mystery – as it was clear within weeks of his career high debut that he was incredibly limited and unlikely to make the grade at the top level. Still, he started well at his new club too, scoring a last minute equaliser in a 3-3 draw – which Wikipedia informs me is his 10th goal in 6 seasons. Prolific or what? If he keeps this up, expect United to bring him back in the summer and reward him with a new 5 year contract.

mata

Moyes signalled the start of the transfer window by stating that although he didn’t expect any significant arrivals, “the number of big players who want to join Manchester United is incredible.” Really? Whether this meant ‘big’ as in ‘good’ or ‘big’ as in ‘tall, like Fellaini’ remained uncertain, but within days we’d actually managed to not completely mess up the signing of Juan Mata. This was something of a shock and surely evidence of a u-turn in United’s thinking. In the summer we didn’t pursue a reputed interest in Özil due to still having hope that Kagawa would prove his worth, but surely Shinji’s legion of internet fanboys/apologists would now concede that he simply hasn’t worked out?

Mata, like Kagawa, is undoubtedly a great talent. Unlike Kagawa, however – he’s demonstrated the ability to adapt his talents to the demands of English football. If Moyes has lost patience with Kagawa’s failings and come to the conclusion his future lies elsewhere, then I at least applaud his decisiveness. One of the obvious shortcomings of United’s squad at present is that there are too many habitual under performers – limited players on top wages and long term deals who are going to prove difficult and expensive to replace. Young, Cleverley and Valencia (the first 3 who come to mind… there are more) need to be moved on ruthlessly and efficiently. Signing a player of Mata’s calibre is all well and good, but it’s only going to start paying dividends when he’s joined by 3-4 more of a similar standard.

It was interesting to note the reactions of certain blue-tinged acquaintances of mine following the Mata signing. It’s fair to say they were a tad miffed by events, with them being so well-versed now in outspending United during each transfer window. One on my radar even attempted to outlandishly claw back some moral high ground by asserting that “City have never spent that much on a player.” This didn’t ring true at all, which prompted me to check and discover that Aguero cost them £38M and Tevez, reputedly as much as £45M. City fans taking umbrage with United’s spending – you have to admire their chutzpah, you really do.

Even more comical was the recent publication of City’s accounts for their financial year ending May 2013. Everything appears to be going swimmingly for ‘the project’: losses are down to a mere £52M and their income is now the 6th highest of any club in Europe, a total of £271M. It’s only when you scratch beneath the surface they reveal this figure includes £143M from sponsoring themselves and another £44M from selling intellectual property rights (again, to themselves.) Unsurprisingly, with this fantasy island income stream in place, they are more than confident of meeting UEFA’s FFP requirements. “Growing revenues and controlled expenses are bringing the club to break even in the immediate future, and profitability thereafter.”

I’m going to presume they edited out the “…LOL, not really!”

Copyright Red News – February 2014

www.rednews.co.uk

Stuck In The Middle With You

sad moyes

Did anyone else look out of the window on New Year’s Day and wish they didn’t have to bother? A 5.30pm kick off with a persistent hangover, shitty weather and the suspicion that yet another miserable result lay ahead held such minimal appeal that I gave serious consideration to giving it the swerve by calling in sick. It’s been hard work of late – the triumvirate of home games in a week during early December led to me questioning my sanity. It’s not the financial outlay (you can never dwell on that, because if you did you’d never go ever again), it’s just we’re really… and I mean REALLY boring to watch at the minute.

Perhaps it’s the inevitable comedown after 20 years of success, but there just seems to be a distinct lack of fun surrounding United at present. Eternal optimists will point out that the Spurs defeat came off the back of 6 consecutive wins, but how many of them provided anything remotely resembling excitement? (Alright, the stirring comeback at Hull I’ll give you but it’s Hull ffs… and the fact we found ourselves 0-2 down was crushingly predictable.)

I’m loathe to start criticising Moyes but since we’re past the half-way stage of the season, it’s time for his 6 month appraisal… and it’s been pretty miserable so far. The fiasco of the transfer dealings in the summer (not all down to him, admittedly), defenders in midfield, wingers at right back, the general over-reliance on crap wide men… these were hallmarks of Fergie’s last couple of seasons in charge that we hoped we’d finally seen the back of. However, the truth is we’re a dull and predictable side to watch – and crucially, that fear factor teams felt when coming to Old Trafford has all but evaporated.

Times like these aren’t unprecedented of course. Fergie’s tenure was punctuated by many low points but rarely were they greeted with the stoic acceptance which is becoming Moyes’ stock response to a setback. “We’ll try and win our next game, which is what Manchester United always do.” Great. That’s me assured – though hardly Churchillian, is it? I can only hope that such platitudes are served up for the benefit of the press and the players are privy to something a tad more inspirational.

The press reaction at present is an interesting point. Both Moyes and Woodward have gone to some lengths to try and repair the fractious relationship that Fergie helped create over the years. It was ‘open house’ during the summer tour, there have been subsequent off-record breakfast briefings and dinners on expenses; as well as the club re-opening dialogue with the likes of MUST, SEF and the fanzines (with the exception of Red News who still appear to be personae non gratae within OT).

If Fergie had still been in charge with United stuck in 7th place, can you imagine the reaction right now? I’ll wager there would be absolute uproar in the media with hacks falling over themselves to stick the boot in. Instead, it appears that the schmoozing and olive branches have paid dividends – there was plenty written about the deadline day shenanigans but it’s all quite sedate in the tabloids. After witnessing the mauling Fergie received at the slightest sign of a crisis, it’s slightly perturbing to witness United getting beaten without us getting a kicking in the papers.

This could be the crux of what’s missing at present. In the past we’ve been used to Fergie in full-on bullish mode following a poor run of form. He’d come out fighting, slap the nay-sayers around the chops and convince us all it was no biggie and we’d be back within weeks. This was how United operated for years – a default response to defeat which served us well on countless occasions. Instead, now we’ve got Moyes announcing that ‘bloody noses’ are inevitable and the team will ‘try to win the next game’. As I said, one only hopes he’s making a compelling case to the players – because he’s certainly not convincing me at present.

Anyway, leaving aside our current woes – it’s January so that means slo-mo montages of Charlie George, Ronnie Radford and Keith Houchen’s diving header… yes, it’s FA Cup time again. Back in those halcyon days of the 70’s and 80’s – when being out of the title picture in January was very much the norm – the 3rd round of the cup came along and provided welcome respite from the weekly grind of sub-par league performances. These days, however – it’s a very different beast whose appeal continues to diminish year after year.

Yes, I know it still manages to throw up the odd good draw with the bonus of an off-grid away trip – but the cold, hard truth is that the competition is now a lame duck that needs putting out of its misery. The prestige in winning it is negligible, the history and tradition elements over-sentimentalised and for every semi-final meeting with City you’ve got to suffer a multitude of wrist-slitting home draws against face painted, foam hand waving, lower league numpties all enjoying their ‘special day’. It’s a bag of shit and it has been for years.

This isn’t some toys-out-of-the-pram reactionary piece and I’m aware that many won’t agree – but the cup now isn’t what we grew up with. All the things we loved about it (they don’t require spelling out) are now consigned to history and it lost whatever ‘magic’ it had a long time ago. Just enjoy the memories and be thankful that we won it on numerous occasions during the time it was worth winning… because these days it should be viewed as nothing more than a constituent part of a double or a treble.

The question of the cup’s relevance recently came up on an internet forum I frequent – opinion turned out to be evenly split between those agreeing it was a spent force and others clinging to the notion it still means something. One lad claimed, “I’d rather finish 10th and win the cup than finish 4th and not win anything.” A highly principled stance that – but really? You’d rather have an FA Cup win (£3.5M total prize money and place in the Europa next season) than finish 4th and get into the Champions League proper (£40M+ for reaching the quarters) and the chance of signing someone half-decent in the summer? Admirable sentiments certainly, but it just smacks of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

We’re going to have to get used to this mindset pretty quickly because that’s the nailed on, new reality United are currently faced with. Were you cringing at the end of last season watching Arsenal balloon around the pitch at Newcastle whilst celebrating a 4th place finish? Think again, because that may well be us in a few months time. What have we become? If things weren’t depressing enough, City are odds-on favourites to win the league and Liverpool remain well placed.

Can you sort this out please, Dave?

Copyright Red News – January 2014

www.rednews.co.uk