Category Archives: Football

Speak Like A Child

fatherandson

My son celebrated his 9th birthday recently, so has now reached the age I was when I became wholly consumed by football. In 1982, prior to starting watching United, I don’t recall having any interests at all other than perhaps, Star Wars. There were no older siblings in our house, so I had little idea about any of the things that would eventually become my main passions in life, and which I’d spend my teens and twenties in rigorous pursuit of – music, clothes, films, books, pop culture…that all came a while later. First there was football.

I was a proper little spod aged 9. Not particularly academic, or sporty or popular (this hasn’t changed much in the intervening 30 years, to be fair) – on reflection I was probably crying out for something (anything) to be interested in. The appeal for me? Everything about it. The sense of identity that comes from belonging to a cause, the culture, the history, the endless statistics…I sucked it all up like a sponge. Football came along at just the right time as before then, I don’t recall my brain having anything else to think about.

My son however, doesn’t appear to have such a void in his life. To me, he appears very well adjusted and content. Guitar lessons, computers, swimming, PS3, reading, Lego, a million DVDs and TV channels at his disposal…his brain is constantly occupied. Consequently then, like most kids these days, he doesn’t understand the concept of boredom – his life is just a succession of activities and entertainment. To him, I’ve realised, football is just another ‘thing’.

From time to time though, usually when the iPad is on charge and due to frustration at his sudden inability to commandeer the TV remote, he’ll settle down to watch the reds. The recent Spurs game was one such occasion, mainly due to the fact he seemed thrilled that the match was going ahead in blizzard conditions. For no reason other than I thought it might provide some amusement, I decided (without his knowledge) to note down his observations. Enjoy…

Pre Match: Wayne Rooney is out? At least we’ve got Van Persie…

Kick off: Alex Ferguson looks freezing.

4.02 This game could have got cancelled if it got too icy.

4.04 Van Persie is really good, isn’t he?

4.06 Is this game in Manchester? I wish it would snow here.

4.07 I don’t get why they have signs telling us non-important stuff.

4.08 (Jones loses possession) Oh now you’ve ruined it!

4.11 One of the worst things in football is they just kick it into the crowd. They should just pass it to someone nearby in loads of space.

4.13 What place is Tottenham?

4.14 City used to be really rubbish, didn’t they?

4.15 (Snow coming down) They are getting soaked!

4.18 I think Tottenham are actually doing kinda good. United aren’t doing good…they are just doing a slappy-fight.

4.19 I think United are cold.

4.20 (Spurs player clattered by Jones) He fell over on his own. That’s cheating!

4.21 (Carrick booked) You can’t give him a yellow card, that was an accident!

4.25 (Van Persie goal) Oh yeah, put your tongue out! COME ON!

4.26 So this is Tottenhans stadium, right? Where it says the score at the top, the one on the left means it’s their stadium.

4.27 I think United’s goalie is dehydrated. He should eat some snow.

4.28 Van Persie is snotty.

4.29 Evra just killed that Tottenham player.

4.30 (Evra down injured and slo-mo reply of goal shown) OH YEAH, stick your bloody tongue out!

4.31 (Lloris goal kick) Yes! Nice kick!

4.33 (Spurs free kick) Whaaaaaaaat?!

4.36 (Welbeck muscled off ball by Walker) You little lady!

4.38 Ferguson looks like he has warmed up now.

4.39 Tottenham are cheating. They fall over a lot.

4.40 (Scramble in penalty area) That was like pinball and the defenders were flippers. Crazy.

4.41 That was handball and he let him off. This referee isn’t fair. Let United have this ball!

4.42 (Evra booked) He did that roll himself. This isn’t fair. One more foul and that’s a red card.

4.43 Two Tottenham players were just having a cuddle!

4.45 (United corner) Come on, be a goal!

4.46 United are just too good for Tottenham. This will be 2-0, this game.

HT: That was quality that goal. You could see that defender jumping and he was like, WOOOOOAH! … Is this the 1st United game this year?… Where is Wayne Rooney? … What’s for tea? … Why are they playing Christmas songs?

2nd Half begins…

5.04 (Carrick concedes corner) Good defence there, mate.

5.05 Corners are sometimes terrifying.

5.07 (De Gea saves) That was nice, it hit his toe.

5.10 I don’t want Tottenham to score.

5.12 (Spurs fail in penalty appeal) Why are they cheering?

5.14 United aren’t doing well at all.

5.15 Come on United, you’re not bothering.

5.16 Look at Rooney, he looks bored…he’s having a chat with his girlfriend.

5.17 This is just not United’s day.

5.18 United are doing absolutely and utterly rubbish.

5.19 Did you see that? THEY ARE THROWING SNOWBALLS!

5.20 (Rooney comes on as sub) ROOONEH! Yes! Come on Roons!

5.22 (Lloris clears) That was rubbish! Right into the crowd.

5.24 (Spurs free kick) Please don’t score. Thank you.

5.27 I think Spurs are gonna score.

5.28 (Welbeck down injured) Haha! I think he’s been hit in the nuggets.

5.29 (Ref’s assistant on screen) I don’t get what the flag people do.

5.30 (Dawson nicks ball off Van Persie) Tsk! He came out of nowhere.

5.31 (Welbeck offside) He could have got that, so lazy!

5.34 (Last ditch Ferdinand challenge on Defoe) Thank you, Rio!

5.35 (Evra cross cut out before reaches Welbeck) United need more players when that happens.

5.44 It’s chucking it down. There is snow everywhere.

5.45 United really could win this! 1 more minute…well actually 4 minutes cos they add on 3 minutes.

5.46 Told you, 3 minutes!

5.47 Nice header…and another header. I would be surprised if someone did 5 headers in a row.

5.48 Tottenham are starting to go nuts…if Tottenham lose this, will they be out of the league?

5.49 (Spurs goal) You have GOT to be kidding. I can’t believe this!

Final whistle: OH BLOODY HELL! Can we turn over now, please?

Copyright Red News – February 2013

www.rednews.co.uk

It’ll Never Happen Again

calcioretrospective

With an acute case of ‘familiarity breeding contempt’, I’ve slowly grown very weary of the Champions League group stages. Barring a couple of notable exceptions, it’s a hurdle we’ve come to negotiate with ease – half a dozen rarely memorable games, following which the European Cup proper commences.

It wasn’t always like this of course, as back in the early 90’s it all felt thrillingly new. Entire mornings in work written off, listening intently as Radio 5 attempted to explain the interminably long, unfathomably complicated draw and seeding structure. Then eventually, after a couple of hours of UEFA dignitaries, ex-pros reading autocues and the muffled sound of balls being tipped into Perspex containers, we finally got to find out the 3 teams we were up against.

Back then the closed-shop realities of the Champions League format hadn’t been fully realised. United had last competed for the European Cup in 1969 and the 26 year gap between league titles didn’t exactly suggest we’d go on to become mainstays at this level for the next 20 years. These days, somewhat depressingly, it’s a sign of the times that the only people huddled round radios listening to the draw at my workplace are blues – for whom the Champions League is still a novelty. Quite literally, it’s just another day in the office for the majority of reds.

The fact that a place at European football’s top table is now seen as a given by many, is indicative of how spoilt we’ve been over the last two decades. A generation of reds have grown up knowing nothing but success at this level, to the extent that last year’s Europa League aberration was seen as a positive by many seasoned travellers – the opportunity to experience a couple of new grounds as opposed to yet another San Siro or Allianz Arena visit.

United v Real Madrid proves a reminder that once qualification to the knock-out stages has been established, it’s the Champions League that provides the biggest test and indicator of a team’s true potential. Despite not looking anything like ‘vintage’, domestically this United side have racked up an unprecedented points total and enjoy a 9 point lead over City at present. Although nobody is taking anything for granted, only an even bigger fuck up than last year to see us fail to regain the title from here. We look similarly well placed in the FA Cup too, with only Reading at home standing between us and a place in the quarter-finals.

The Real Madrid tie comes along at a time where there are still many questions being asked of this United team. The class of 2013, perhaps unfairly, haven’t won too many plaudits from commentators and journalists as of yet, other than a grudging nod of acknowledgment for our consistency and ability to grind out results when not playing particularly well. Most supporters too, are still to be convinced. The team failed to show when it counted last season and the manner of that capitulation still hurts now. Although there’s been plenty to cheer this term, until that memory is banished, this side will always be compared unfavourably with other great United teams of the Ferguson era. At the moment they remain ‘the one that blew an 8 point lead to City’.

Redemption therefore, is hopefully not too far away if we manage to avoid a repeat disaster and go on to clinch #20 in a couple of months time. That remains the main priority this season and would represent a fantastic achievement, no matter what happens in Europe. Beat Madrid however, and the opportunity to achieve true greatness suddenly opens up. Of course, it’s giddy in excelsis to start talking about trebles in early February, but that’s exactly what will happen should we get through this round. Although it remains ridiculously unlikely, why not? Everything else about this season has seemed weirdly off-kilter, this team proving everyone wrong (not just it’s harshest critics, even its own fans) would be perfectly in keeping with what we’ve witnessed thus far.

Image used with kind permission of calcioretrospective.

Copyright Red News – February 2013

www.rednews.co.uk

Halfway To Paradise

band aid

“It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid”, sang perma-leather trousered, 80’s pop heartthrob Paul Young in the opening line of Band Aid’s 1984 chart topper. A bold claim in a song that’ll forever evoke haunting images of starving, African children; and soothing words over a quarter of a century later for reds, bearing in mind Fergie’s predilection for festive squad rotation.

This year the fixture calendar looked to have been relatively kind to us. Swansea away, Newcastle and West Brom at home, followed by a short trip to Wigan on New Year’s Day. All pretty routine sounding, but then this season has been anything but routine thus far. Instead, marvellously, madness reigns supreme. Fergie seemed to signal as much pre-Swansea, despite holding a 6 point lead and with an (on paper) easy run of games, the goal was, we were told, to “make sure we are top of the league come New Year’s Day.” It sounded like he was almost anticipating dropped points.

The ‘4 games in 10 days’ barrage of football over Christmas presents a major hurdle in any title challenge, of course. The opportunity to get a shedful of points racked up before the league fixtures start to thin out a little and cup competitions come into play. Then tick the games off one by one, pray that rivals fuck up, try and keep everyone fit – before hopefully getting to the stage where you’ve got, say, an 8 point lead with 6 games to go. Ahem. Well, moving on swiftly…

Whereas the rest of Europe gets a few weeks off from the hassle and expense, football fans in this country are still required to schlepp up and down the country with transport links totally fucked, only to be greeted with a short-notice postponement if you’re really unlucky. At least we didn’t have snow and arctic winds to contend with this year, instead the weather threw up nothing more sinister than a 2 week-long monsoon.

Despite most of South Wales being under water, the pitch at the Liberty Stadium was still in decent nick and the game went ahead as scheduled. Swansea were played off the pitch in truth, with Cleverley and the outstanding Carrick running tings proper. Van Persie was unlucky not to score the winner and also, according to his manager, fortunate to escape with his life still intact. All in all, 2 points dropped but a decent enough performance…we’ll play much worse this season and win. Oh and congratulations must go to Swansea for winning the World Cup.

To nobody’s great surprise, the tombola was out on Boxing Day with Fergie aiming to ‘freshen things up’ for the visit of Newcastle. To everyone’s despair though, it meant Giggs and Scholes on the team sheet together. The fact the pair were to start in tandem was greeted by my group of mates with the now customary reaction this news brings – a chorus of sighs, tuts and ‘oh for fuck’s sake’s. All was forgiven a couple of hours later, naturally, as what we had witnessed was something of a minor classic.

dont look now

Despite all the whinges and whines we share about watching football these days, there is still no greater place on earth than Old Trafford on a shitty, rain sodden day when we’re a goal down with 20 minutes to go. The crowd wakes up, everyone’s on their feet, the collective desire gets transmitted to the players and you know, you just know what’s gonna happen. It’s fucking awesome. Even having experienced it countless times, it never gets old. An afternoon like that, coupled with news of City’s defeat at Sunderland, made for a very good day indeed.

The buzz of the Geordies game had barely subsided a couple of days later, when news came in of a stellar turn by Fergie at his morning presser. First swatting aside the bleatings of the unctuous Pardew, he then went on to quite splendidly dismiss Newcastle as a “wee club in the North East”. A line delivered with none of the histrionics witnessed on the touchline two days previous, this was Fergie at his calm, considered, yet wilfully inflammatory best – absolutely marvellous stuff.

The following Saturday’s defeat of West Brom proved to be much more routine with a rare clean sheet achieved and yet another Van Persie goal. Everyone knew he was a top player prior to his arrival, but I don’t think many of us appreciated just how good. Yeah, it was obvious he was a goalscorer – but his all-round touch, strength and ability to spot a player are attributes we’ve only come to realise watching the guy week-in, week-out. He’s top class, seeing him stick his arse out and hold off 3 defenders reminds me of Mark Hughes in his prime; but he’s arguably got a better touch than Sparky had and is certainly more consistent in front of goal – just pray he doesn’t get injured for any length of time.

The holiday fixture program was concluded with the New Year’s Day Wigan visit. The pub we frequent was relatively subdued before the game, the excesses of the previous night being felt with pints being nursed as opposed to drained. Respect is due, however, to one Red News seller who confidently ordered himself a double Amaretto livener before getting stuck into the Guinness. Numerous others only made the game at all due to the miraculous, restorative powers of Imodium and/or MDMA.

A trip to the DW has always offered a nailed-on 3 points – at least it did until last season’s visit that depressingly resulted in the start of the end of the world. This year, thankfully, saw no such repeat as United won at a stroll, Van Persie and Hernandez each bagging another brace with the pie fanatics barely registering a shot on target.

Despite a repeat of their snidey ticket scam of flogging 1000 of our tickets (with a meal chucked in at £125 a pop) via their own website, I cant help but like Wigan. There’s none of that ABU nonsense you used to get from Jack Walker, in fact where Dave Whelan is concerned it’s just the opposite. Considering the size of the place, it’s a small miracle they manage to command the respectable crowds they do, never mind survive in the Premier League year-on-year. They play good football, operate on a budget without over-stretching themselves and their excellent scouting set up consistently manages to unearth players who they can sell on for a tidy profit – I hope they defy the odds again and manage to stay up.

So with 10 points out of 12 achieved and a lead of 7 points, we look remarkably well placed at present. The season so far has been bonkers, quite frankly…we’ve looked utterly abject on occasion yet some of the football and the numerous comebacks witnessed render gripes about the state of the midfield and individuals players’ form quite redundant. Whilst not always pretty, there’s a definite spirit about the team that points to a shared determination to banish the pain experienced last May. Yep, the last few months have been a blast – here’s hoping it continues…

Copyright Red News – January 2013

www.rednews.co.uk