Speak Like A Child


My son celebrated his 9th birthday recently, so has now reached the age I was when I became wholly consumed by football. In 1982, prior to starting watching United, I don’t recall having any interests at all other than perhaps, Star Wars. There were no older siblings in our house, so I had little idea about any of the things that would eventually become my main passions in life, and which I’d spend my teens and twenties in rigorous pursuit of – music, clothes, films, books, pop culture…that all came a while later. First there was football.

I was a proper little spod aged 9. Not particularly academic, or sporty or popular (this hasn’t changed much in the intervening 30 years, to be fair) – on reflection I was probably crying out for something (anything) to be interested in. The appeal for me? Everything about it. The sense of identity that comes from belonging to a cause, the culture, the history, the endless statistics…I sucked it all up like a sponge. Football came along at just the right time as before then, I don’t recall my brain having anything else to think about.

My son however, doesn’t appear to have such a void in his life. To me, he appears very well adjusted and content. Guitar lessons, computers, swimming, PS3, reading, Lego, a million DVDs and TV channels at his disposal…his brain is constantly occupied. Consequently then, like most kids these days, he doesn’t understand the concept of boredom – his life is just a succession of activities and entertainment. To him, I’ve realised, football is just another ‘thing’.

From time to time though, usually when the iPad is on charge and due to frustration at his sudden inability to commandeer the TV remote, he’ll settle down to watch the reds. The recent Spurs game was one such occasion, mainly due to the fact he seemed thrilled that the match was going ahead in blizzard conditions. For no reason other than I thought it might provide some amusement, I decided (without his knowledge) to note down his observations. Enjoy…

Pre Match: Wayne Rooney is out? At least we’ve got Van Persie…

Kick off: Alex Ferguson looks freezing.

4.02 This game could have got cancelled if it got too icy.

4.04 Van Persie is really good, isn’t he?

4.06 Is this game in Manchester? I wish it would snow here.

4.07 I don’t get why they have signs telling us non-important stuff.

4.08 (Jones loses possession) Oh now you’ve ruined it!

4.11 One of the worst things in football is they just kick it into the crowd. They should just pass it to someone nearby in loads of space.

4.13 What place is Tottenham?

4.14 City used to be really rubbish, didn’t they?

4.15 (Snow coming down) They are getting soaked!

4.18 I think Tottenham are actually doing kinda good. United aren’t doing good…they are just doing a slappy-fight.

4.19 I think United are cold.

4.20 (Spurs player clattered by Jones) He fell over on his own. That’s cheating!

4.21 (Carrick booked) You can’t give him a yellow card, that was an accident!

4.25 (Van Persie goal) Oh yeah, put your tongue out! COME ON!

4.26 So this is Tottenhans stadium, right? Where it says the score at the top, the one on the left means it’s their stadium.

4.27 I think United’s goalie is dehydrated. He should eat some snow.

4.28 Van Persie is snotty.

4.29 Evra just killed that Tottenham player.

4.30 (Evra down injured and slo-mo reply of goal shown) OH YEAH, stick your bloody tongue out!

4.31 (Lloris goal kick) Yes! Nice kick!

4.33 (Spurs free kick) Whaaaaaaaat?!

4.36 (Welbeck muscled off ball by Walker) You little lady!

4.38 Ferguson looks like he has warmed up now.

4.39 Tottenham are cheating. They fall over a lot.

4.40 (Scramble in penalty area) That was like pinball and the defenders were flippers. Crazy.

4.41 That was handball and he let him off. This referee isn’t fair. Let United have this ball!

4.42 (Evra booked) He did that roll himself. This isn’t fair. One more foul and that’s a red card.

4.43 Two Tottenham players were just having a cuddle!

4.45 (United corner) Come on, be a goal!

4.46 United are just too good for Tottenham. This will be 2-0, this game.

HT: That was quality that goal. You could see that defender jumping and he was like, WOOOOOAH! … Is this the 1st United game this year?… Where is Wayne Rooney? … What’s for tea? … Why are they playing Christmas songs?

2nd Half begins…

5.04 (Carrick concedes corner) Good defence there, mate.

5.05 Corners are sometimes terrifying.

5.07 (De Gea saves) That was nice, it hit his toe.

5.10 I don’t want Tottenham to score.

5.12 (Spurs fail in penalty appeal) Why are they cheering?

5.14 United aren’t doing well at all.

5.15 Come on United, you’re not bothering.

5.16 Look at Rooney, he looks bored…he’s having a chat with his girlfriend.

5.17 This is just not United’s day.

5.18 United are doing absolutely and utterly rubbish.

5.19 Did you see that? THEY ARE THROWING SNOWBALLS!

5.20 (Rooney comes on as sub) ROOONEH! Yes! Come on Roons!

5.22 (Lloris clears) That was rubbish! Right into the crowd.

5.24 (Spurs free kick) Please don’t score. Thank you.

5.27 I think Spurs are gonna score.

5.28 (Welbeck down injured) Haha! I think he’s been hit in the nuggets.

5.29 (Ref’s assistant on screen) I don’t get what the flag people do.

5.30 (Dawson nicks ball off Van Persie) Tsk! He came out of nowhere.

5.31 (Welbeck offside) He could have got that, so lazy!

5.34 (Last ditch Ferdinand challenge on Defoe) Thank you, Rio!

5.35 (Evra cross cut out before reaches Welbeck) United need more players when that happens.

5.44 It’s chucking it down. There is snow everywhere.

5.45 United really could win this! 1 more minute…well actually 4 minutes cos they add on 3 minutes.

5.46 Told you, 3 minutes!

5.47 Nice header…and another header. I would be surprised if someone did 5 headers in a row.

5.48 Tottenham are starting to go nuts…if Tottenham lose this, will they be out of the league?

5.49 (Spurs goal) You have GOT to be kidding. I can’t believe this!

Final whistle: OH BLOODY HELL! Can we turn over now, please?

Copyright Red News – February 2013



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