Fetch The Bolt Cutters

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The fact I’ve delayed writing this column until minutes before deadline due to the possibility Ten Hag could be sacked at any moment speaks volumes for how the campaign has begun. Given he was on thin ice to begin with, it was crucial that the new signings hit the ground running and that the team showed a marked improvement on last season’s miserable form. Unfortunately for Erik, instead it’s been a continuation of what we’ve seen for the last 18 months or so. United are still a complete disaster. We might even be getting worse based on the evidence seen so far.

It’s not all been completely terrible, as the first hour at Palace demonstrated what the team could be capable of at some point in the future. That aside, it’s difficult to find any positives at all other than the fact Mazraoui (naturally now unavailable for the foreseeable) looks to be an upgrade on Wan-Bissaka. But that’s pretty much all I can summon up 2 months into the current season. The main highlight I can recall is a goalless draw at Selhurst Park where we actually looked like a functioning football team for a brief period. And that’s your lot, really. It’s been almost laughably grim viewing for the most part.

Ten Hag really doesn’t help himself at times, and his reading of the game can be perplexing to say the least. Attackers are repeatedly withdrawn from games for purposes of rotation, he says – but when they’ve been the most threatening presence on the pitch (Rashford at Porto for example) the substitutions make no sense. I thought the same thing when he hooked Zirkzee at Palace, rather than providing fresh momentum, the subs tend to interrupt the flow and kill any attacking impetus. I understand the need to rotate and give players minutes, but surely what’s happening on the pitch should inform these decisions.

As well as the seemingly preordained attacking substitutions, he’s developed a habit of causing defensive uncertainty by making regular mid-game switches at centre-half. If these changes are forced due to injury or fatigue then fair enough, but there’s been a number of instances where this hasn’t appeared to be the case at all. For a team that needs to develop a spine, it’s a strange way to try and instil any kind of confidence or consistency. We don’t look to have progressed in the slightest – it’s the same incoherent mess that was a struggle to watch throughout the duration of last season.

Out of all the summer signings made, the one we desperately needed to work out was Ugarte in midfield. Casemiro looks like he’d struggle with the pace of Soccer Aid these days, Mainoo is suffering from starting every game and Bruno gets more erratic by the week. Based on the evidence seen so far, I’m not convinced Ugarte is anywhere near the level needed to improve the team’s ability to control games and dominate possession. I always forget that Mason Mount plays for United given how infrequently he’s seen. Anyway, he made a brief re-appearance before promptly getting injured again to no one’s great surprise.

I’ve always been a staunch defender of Bruno and overlooked his shortcomings due to the fact he provides a goal threat in a team that largely doesn’t. However, the moments of inspiration are becoming less frequent and his bad games are starting to outnumber the good ones. The worse the team is performing, the more risks he takes. Honestly, I’m starting to see logic in the school of thought that suggests we’ll never progress whilst he’s handed a license to roam around the pitch and do pretty much whatever he fancies.

It’s probably the recent sending offs that have tipped me over the edge, but I’m getting tired of watching the same things happen over and over again. If United were a better team we could probably accommodate his recklessness, but we aren’t. The midfield consists of vast swathes of empty space for the most part so it’s no wonder we struggle to control games. I said after the Spurs game that the 3 game suspension might turn out to be a blessing in disguise given it would force Ten Hag to try something different. Then, naturally, the red card gets overturned. Of course it does. More chaos incoming, then.

I was pleased that Ten Hag was given the opportunity to stay on this summer, but suspected deep down that we were headed for this juncture sooner rather than later. Ineos appeared to explore every possible alternative before offering him a chance to turn things around, but clearly the gamble has backfired spectacularly. We’re currently sitting 14th in the PL table and 21st in the Europa League. If we’re being honest, an 8th place finish flattered us last season when our form was more akin of a mid-table team. Right now it’s no longer a question of if they sack him, it’s more a question of when.

Despite being confounded by many of his decisions, the stubborn part of me still hopes they keep their nerve and give him more time. I maintain that Ten Hag is a top man and think he’s done a lot of positive things (in difficult circumstances) in trying to change the culture around the club. We all acknowledged it would likely take 2-3 years to eradicate the failings of the previous regime and become serious contenders again. Having decided to put their faith in him in June, is it really the right call to reverse on that decision before the end of October?

On balance, it probably is – as I don’t expect to see any sudden upturn in form over the next few months. Although I’m loathe to admit defeat and return to the cycle of sacking managers every 2 years, it now feels inevitable that he’ll be gone in a matter of weeks. The club can’t afford a season floundering in mid-table without any signs of progress. Qualification for Europe looks to be a stretch at present, never mind finishing in the top 4. My expectation is he’ll limp on until the next international break, by which time the board will have lined up the next recipient of the poisoned chalice. I’m sorry, Erik – but it’s just not happening, is it?

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Not Like Us

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The long, frustrating slog of last season was forgotten in an instant. I’d anticipated a summer not thinking about United but instead I’ve spent weeks floating round in a contented daze, thoughts constantly cycling back to the unbridled joy that was triggered by the final whistle at Wembley. What an incredible tonic it was. Mad how something so insignificant to the majority of people can send thousands of us into a state of near delirium. It’s been a long time since we last experienced a day like that. Absolute perfection. Football, bloody hell.

The good vibes continued when it was eventually confirmed that ETH would be staying on as manager. I’m still to be convinced that he’s the right man for the job long term, but given the lack of credible alternatives and the manner of the cup win, sacking him would have been incredibly harsh. Against a backdrop of the takeover, disciplinary issues in the dressing room and a never ending injury crisis, delivering a trophy and European football was a fine achievement. Merely extending his current deal can hardly be interpreted as a vote of confidence, however – it’s more of a stay of execution.

It’s pretty grim that the manager’s future is being questioned before a ball has been kicked, but clearly the new regime isn’t messing about. Anything resembling a repeat of last season won’t be tolerated. And, quite frankly, nor should it be. Unless Ten Hag can deliver a marked improvement in both consistency and results, he’ll be lucky to last until the end of the season. United have to do better, and fresh changes to the coaching staff indicate there’s a clear pathway for someone (hello, Ruud) to step up and replace him as an interim the moment Ineos decree that enough is enough.

Nevertheless, all that is hopefully some distance off. The club were unusually proactive early in the window (another welcome change) although there’s still lots of work to do if we’re going to see anything resembling the squad overhaul that’s needed. At the moment we still look short considering Martial, Varane, Amrabat, Van de Beek, Greenwood and Kambwala have all left the club. We need at least 3 more in before the end of the window otherwise it’s difficult to see how Ten Hag has any hope of improving on last season’s position – especially given the additional Europa fixtures this year and the fact the number of injuries shows no sign of abating.

With Ten Hag citing fatigue as a factor at the end of another jaunt to the USA, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to make a case for these fixtures being in anyway helpful to preparations ahead of a new season. For the umpteenth year in a row we’re set to begin the campaign missing players through injury and with others still at various stages of recovery from the Euros/Copa America. Flying 5,000 miles around the globe to play some meaningless friendlies might be commercially astute, but it seems detrimental to the squad’s conditioning if there are multiple casualties to contend with by the time the tour has concluded.

Obviously, such concerns didn’t stop me booking flights as soon as Los Angeles was announced. I’d never visited the West Coast before and this seemed like as good an opportunity as any. LA is absolutely massive and unlike when visiting NYC, the public transport links are bafflingly insubstantial. If you aren’t hiring a car then Uber is a must when travelling late at night if you don’t fancy taking your chances on the Metro, where you’re highly likely to encounter some of the city’s more eccentric inhabitants.

As for what it’s actually like, well it’s a culture shock. I stayed in Santa Monica on the coast and you quickly realise that whilst the streets feel very safe, there’s a not-insignificant homeless population – many of whom are in the throes of fentanyl addiction which makes their actions unpredictable to say the least. You just have to accept that amidst all the boutique shops, Michelin-starred restaurants and miles of golden beaches you’re highly likely to stumble across a sizeable number of people with their entire earthly possessions in a shopping trolley… and they might decide to stop and drop their kecks at any moment.

I got chatting to an Irish ex-pat who has been out there for 25 years and we were discussing the contrast to living over here. He said the year-round sunshine never got old and that his life consisted of regular, ‘pinch me’, LA moments. I think the most LA thing I experienced was whilst walking through Palisades Park on a Friday afternoon. You had a group of a dozen or so well-to-do women striking Yoga poses and there was a bloke with a massage table enthusiastically offering his services to anyone passing. Meanwhile, just a few feet away you had a couple of homeless guys arguing over the contents of a bin. It was quite a scene. Talk about opposite ends of the California lifestyle happily co-existing.

The United game was being played at the SoFi in Inglewood, an outrageously opulent $5.5 billion NFL stadium that opened its doors in 2020. It’s absolutely incredible, both the architecture and the facilities – little wonder it’s being cited as one of the inspirations behind the decision to build Old Trafford 2.0 as opposed to developing what we have now. Although it’s hugely impressive, I’ll still be disappointed if United commit to such a move in the coming months. Yes, it’s shiny and new and looks great on the photographs but ultimately it’s just a high-end, soulless Enormodome. I certainly wouldn’t want to play there every week.

I’m not just being contrary for the sake of it, but undertaking a project like that would be a disaster in my eyes. Any new stadium would arrive years late, hugely over budget and bearing no resemblance to the place we’ve considered home for decades. I know the YouTube lads are ecstatic at the prospect, but I’m more concerned with United remaining accessible to my friends and I as we hurtle through middle age. Make no bones about it, if we go down this road expect your ST renewal to come in at a couple of grand minimum. I don’t want a 200% increase in ticket prices for the sake of a padded seat and a cup holder. That isn’t scaremongering or shortsightedness, it’s simply the reality of what will happen.

Everything we’ve grown up with would quickly be eroded. Some will cling on because they can still just about afford it, but the bulk of our core support will be sacrificed in the name of progress. We’re going to be told a lot of lies in the coming months when the decision is inevitably greenlit, about how it’s necessary for the club to be competitive and sign the best players and all that nonsense… please don’t buy into it. One of the main drivers behind this is that it will accelerate a purging of our traditional fanbase so they can milk additional millions from an entirely different breed of MUFC supporter. Ineos might appear preferable the Glazers, but their motivation for being here is ultimately the same.

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No Apologies

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There’s been little to be enthused about recently but City’s unexpected exit from the Champions League prompted one of those rare days where you could stroll into work actively enthused at the prospect of football discourse. I’m well aware that getting your thrills from schadenfreude is pretty desperate, but here we are. In fairness, way back when we were successful I was just as petty. I can recall watching their playoff final out in town days after the treble win feeling utterly dejected as a handful of Kappa-clad scrotes spilled onto Princess Street in celebration. Football makes us like this. And we have the cheek to call them ‘bitter’.

Liverpool’s capitulation post-Amadgeddon has been equally amusing to witness. Jurgen the German celebrating a league title in front of a packed Anfield was a nauseating prospect and the ensuing media love-in would’ve continued for months. City winning 4 on the bounce is the borderline preferable alternative which remains the most likely outcome of this year’s title race… unless Arsenal do something very out of character and provide a satisfactory conclusion to the season regardless of what happens at Wembley later this month.

The most unlikely participant in this year’s CL semis has to be Jadon Sancho, back on the global stage as his underwhelming loan spell at Dortmund draws to a close. Despite playing well against PSG, the reaction to his performance was ridiculously over-hyped and had all the usual idiots clamouring for his recall to both United and the national side. Quite frankly, Sancho could score a hat-trick in the final and win the Ballon d’Or and I still wouldn’t want him anywhere near Carrington ever again. He had multiple chances at United to get both his fitness and his head straight yet never looked remotely interested.

The motive behind getting Jamie Carragher to slobber all over him, kissing his arse is that it’s an easy stick to beat Ten Hag with. Poor misunderstood Jadon, look at the smile on his face now he’s free from the clutches of that tyrannical bald loser etc. Do me a favour. Sancho underperformed from the moment he was signed and irrespective of whatever else is going on at the club, ultimately the responsibility for that lies with him alone. Some players just can’t hack it at United and he’s simply the latest in a long line. Weak mentality and when called out by his boss, his reaction was to effectively go on strike before scarpering off to Germany. Keep your fingers crossed Dortmund spend their CL prize money on taking him back permanently.

Ineos briefing journos that United will listen to offers for all but 3 of the squad is interesting, particularly the timing as the club prepares for the summer transfer window. Such a message implies they’re hoping to shift a number of players quickly so the proceeds can boost what might be a relatively tight budget otherwise. The fact that the ‘club insider’ chose to name Garnacho, Hojlund and Mainoo is also quite telling in that it indicates anyone else is expendable if the right bid were to arrive. No surprise to Maguire and McTominay who were close to leaving last summer, but surely an eye-opener for the likes of Martinez, Shaw and Fernandes.

If the new regime is deadly serious about changing the way the club operates (evidence so far suggests they are) then the one with major re-sale value who definitely needs shipping out is Marcus Rashford. Once you’ve lost the support of match goers who’re usually the last to turn against (especially local) players, the writing is on the wall and it’s time to leave. I expect his brains trust advisors are well aware of how perilous his current position is as they quickly counter-briefed The Sun (“IN NO RASH TO LEAVE”) indicating his desire to stay put.

Of course he wishes to remain here, despite the smacked arse demeanour and body language that suggests he now detests playing football for a living. I’m not convinced any other club barring the Saudis would pay him what he’s earning currently. His numerous commercial deals will be in jeopardy once he migrates to that football wilderness as he’s nowhere near Ronaldo-level fame. No doubt he’s praying Ten Hag gets the bullet at the end of the season so he’s presented with a clean slate to kick on from in August. His behaviour this year will quickly be forgiven/forgotten after a few goals under Ten Hag’s successor, unfortunately.

The situation with Rashford and Sancho illustrates why I think placating these prima donnas and dispensing with yet another manager would be a mistake this summer. I’m not convinced that Ten Hag is the right man for the United job, but I am convinced that we’re not going to make any progress by indulging players who aren’t fully committed. Giving Ten Hag another season and jettisoning the pair would send out exactly the right message about the future intentions of the people in charge of the club, even if it does eventually turn out that bald isn’t in fact best.

The fact that Ratcliffe hasn’t backed the manager publicly during this tumultuous campaign points towards the likelihood he’ll be gone at the season’s close. Personally, I’ll be disappointed as it’ll signal that little has changed since Woodward and Arnold were in charge. Ten Hag took over a team in chaos and hasn’t had the time or the resources to complete it. He’s had a terrible 2nd season and blown his budget on some spectacular flops, but this job was always going to require 4-5 years and multiple transfer windows. I can see the logic in starting from scratch under someone new, but we’ve been at this juncture before when Mourinho was axed and the club granted several players a reprieve instead.

Although it’s all doom and gloom at present, I recently made the point to the Editor that we’re in another Cup Final and most likely Europe again next season. All about perspective, innit? What we take for granted is pretty wild in comparison to what the majority of football fans experience year on year. I’ll be taking a similarly sanguine attitude to Wembley in a couple of weeks to ensure no repeat of last year where I spent the entire game in a state of mental turmoil as the spectre of City’s treble loomed large. This time, I’ll simply be there for a good time. No expectations, no disappointment. Enjoy the summer and see you in August.

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