Tag Archives: manchester

Kicker Conspiracy

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The whole trainers thing has surely been done to death now, yet it doesn’t stop hundreds of bobble hat-clad, singing section types lining up outside Oi Polloi every 3 months to greet each dubious reissue of a so-called ‘classic’ pair of Adidas. Punters start queuing at 10pm the night before, get their picture snapped waving them above their heads for the MEN live blog and then rush home and stick them on eBay for £300 a pair. In truth, that was me to a certain extent a few years ago until I realised it was a) sad as fuck and b) at 40 I was too old to be wearing trainers.

I’d got to the stage where I was more bothered about owning certain trainers then actually wearing them… which is absolutely mental of course. That and the fact that Adidas became completely ubiquitous in the same way Stone Island did a few years previously. They became part of the uniform for clueless bellends who fancy themselves as football hooligans and who listen to Kasabian and Oasis. It’s not a good look. Nobody in their right mind wants to be wearing what fat lads from Doncaster wear, basically.

Anyway, I’m losing my thread here as this is supposed to be a book review. Golden Kicks – The Shoes That Changed Sport by Jason Coles (Bloomsbury, £16.99) is aimed squarely at the footwear fetishist demographic, and very nice it is too. It comes in hardback, coffee table format and contains lots of nice pictures and a couple of hundred words of historical perspective on all the designs featured. The stories behind each shoe are revealed via insights from both the people who made them and the athletes who wore them.

A nice book then, that would make a good Christmas present for any trainer obsessive in your life. Oh and please note the use of ‘trainers’, ie they aren’t ‘sneakers’ and they certainly aren’t ‘kicks’.

Copyright Red News – December 2016

www.rednews.co.uk

Witness The Fitness

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Major progress alert! Such was the level of despondency that surrounded United last season, international breaks began to feel like some respite from the gloom rather than a major inconvenience. So following a cracking start to the season that’s seen us quickly gain in confidence and momentum, along came the World Cup qualifiers to place things on hold for a fortnight.

Another measure of the Ready Brek glow being radiated right now is the fact that transfer deadline day passed without incident. We’re not in desperate need of anyone as things stand – for the first time in 5-6 years, it feels like we’re in good shape with no glaring holes in the squad. Okay, a new right winger would be nice, but until such a target exposes himself we’ll persevere with Timid Tony and his signature smashed cross. At least we’re no longer starved of creative options in other areas of the pitch.

It was the Hull game that set my already twitching giddyometer to near delusional levels. I was already basking in the glow of watching us actually try and win a game in the last 15 minutes, even before the injury time winner prompted scenes of wild abandon that saw me to leap off the couch like a startled gazelle and start doing laps of the living room in the manner of David Pleat at Maine Road. Cushions everywhere, absolute scenes. It’s good to be back.

I wouldn’t normally pay attention to Paul Merson’s thoughts on anything whatsoever but he looks to be spot on with his assessment of other new signing, Henrik Mkhitaryan. “He is different gravy”, opined Merse in a recent Sky Sports piece. Now I’m not really sure what he’s on about there but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, because based on his 30 minute sub appearance at early pace setters/relegation threatened Hull, we look to have an absolute star on our hands.

In truth, before we signed the guy I’d never even heard of him due to a long-standing aversion to all things Bundesliga and an almost criminal lack of knowledge of the Armenian international football scene. That will change now, clearly. The way he picked the ball up in centre midfield and just… just ran straight at them… well it was almost shades of Cantona. Seriously, if this carries on it could be love. Get him in the team. Oh Micki you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind etc, etc.

Each of the summer signings has impressed thus far. Zlatan has been Zlatan: hungry for goals, an eye for the audacious, full of menace and withering looks when passes go astray. Pogba was immense against Southampton and is primed to be the midfield powerhouse we’ve been lacking for almost a decade. Eric Bailly looks fast and strong, despite being raw and still getting acquainted with the pace of the game in England. Taking Vidic as an example, even the best take a few months to settle – and if Bailly ultimately proves half the player that Vidic was, then we’ll be laughing of course.

The biggest buzz, however – combined with a still palpable sense of relief – remains the fact that we’ve now got Mourinho overseeing matters. Can you imagine the last 15 minutes of that Hull game if we’d had Van Gaal in charge? He’d have been sat bolt upright in the dugout studiously taking notes whilst Giggs peered out through the torrential rain, imploring the team to speed up the sideways passing. Meanwhile, rather than bringing on another striker in search of a winner, we’d have had Phil Jones warming up as a replacement full-back.

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Instead, rather than settling for what would have been an acceptable draw in the circumstances, we witnessed a vastly different United approach to what’s been the norm for the last 3 seasons. There was tactical variation throughout the 2nd half and we continued to press until Hull finally cracked. Rather than passively accepting their dogged resistance, the team sensed that 3 points were there for the taking and continued to probe until they got their deserved reward. The ecstatic celebrations witnessed in the stands weren’t just for the goal, they were heralding the return of the do-or-die mentality that’s been the hallmark of all great United sides down the years.

There were no knee-slides from Mourinho, however. Whilst everyone else was ballooning around on the side of the pitch, he immediately signalled another substitution to the 4th official and ran straight to Chris Smalling to begin issuing instructions. This was only a minor detail but was demonstrative of his always tuned-in, almost maniacal desire to win. I’m aware that too big a deal was probably made of Van Gaal’s reluctance to raise himself off the bench, but having a manager prowling the touchline again just suits us better.

One of the main criticisms of Van Gaal’s tenure was that he assembled a team that lacked character and personality. With Mourinho in place, and the additions of Pogba and Ibrahimović, this now appears much less of a concern. It’s too early to predict great things and they’ll be numerous setbacks ahead as there always are in football, but we’re now playing with more of a swagger than a lurch. The team looks more imposing and has some presence about it, it just feels more like United again.

If there’s one result that could completely obliterate the sun-drenched, feelgood vibes of present, it would be a reverse in today’s Manchester derby. The Mourinho v Guardiola narrative has dominated the build up to this one, masking the fact that both managers would probably have preferred this fixture in a few weeks’ time. Still, not to worry, eh? Let’s go out and smash ’em, reds.

Copyright Red News – September 2016

www.rednews.co.uk

In Through The Out Door

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Hello again. Been quite an eventful summer, really – and that’s before you even mention the football. Indeed, the Euros seemed to pass by as a bit of a non-event as the fallout of the Brexit vote took hold of the national consciousness. For the first time in decades, politics became the main talking point across the country for about 2 weeks, before the release of Pokémon GO gave people an excuse to chat about something else instead. Personally I’ve no issue with people crashing cars and walking off cliffs catching cartoon monsters on their smartphones, it’s certainly a more interesting spectator sport than watching England.

Since winning the FA Cup at the close of last season, United have undergone a bit of a transformation. I’m not referring to the new manager or recent signings either, I’m talking at boardroom level. Ever since the evening of Saturday 21st May, Ed Woodward has been doing a very good impersonation of someone doing their job competently. Van Gaal was quickly relieved of his duties, Mourinho appointed seamlessly and potential signings have been identified and completed within a matter of days. Compare this to the mess 3 years ago when one was left with the impression that Moyes wandered into the Old Trafford without having the foggiest who or what was needed to make improvements.

I’d hesitate to use the phrase ‘breath of fresh air’, but having Mourinho installed at long last does feel like a clean start. How long that feeling persists remains to be seen, as we’ve been here before when Van Gaal arrived and brought similar positive vibes into the job with him. Right now, however, I’m feeling quite content… he’s making all the right noises and it’s all been ultra professional and low key so far (as low key as someone so obviously box office can be, anyway.)

What’s proving very obvious even in these early days, is that appointing Mourinho has put United back at the very pinnacle of being able to attract players again. One senses that this summer we’re not hamstrung by the fact the manager isn’t an indecipherable lunatic, instead we’ve got more of a regular lunatic who despite being hard to please, might just turn out to know what he’s doing. Crucially, Mourinho needs this just as much as we need him at this juncture – his reputation was dented by the fallout at Chelsea and the United job offers him a shot at redemption on the biggest stage.

The other ego landing at Old Trafford this summer is Zlatan Ibrahimović, a man who previously rivalled José for the title of biggest bellend in world football, (obviously all that’s forgotten now they’re ‘our’ bellends.) Quite honestly, Christ knows how this one will work out. On the one hand, it’s got Falcao-style disaster written all over it. He’s too old, we’re not good enough to support an immobile, non-tracking striker and he’s capable of looking absolutely average with alarming regularity. On the other hand, if you can ignore all this and dare to dream for a moment, it could just prove to be a stroke of genius.

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United have lost that once innate ability we had to brutalise absolute dross – the sad truth is the likes of Southampton, West Brom and Swansea no longer fear us. We desperately need to get that back if we’re going to be challenging for the title any time soon. In Zlatan, we might hopefully have signed the ultimate flat track bully – someone who will clean up against journeyman defenders and start making us hated again. If he can score 20 goals, wind people up, get sent off 2 or 3 times and transmit a bit of arrogance back to the dressing room (Eric Cantona arrogance, not the ‘I’ve got 5 Lamborghinis’ type) then he’ll have done alright.

Talking of the dressing room, has there ever been a more depressing spectacle than the team bus getting bricked outside Upton Park at the end of last season? I’m not talking about the Danny Dyer-alike bottle chuckers either, I was more appalled at the sight of 20 adult men on board, cuddling each other and taking selfies mid-bombardment. Now as much as I would have gained immeasurable pride if they’d jumped off the bus and steamed into them, I’m aware that probably wasn’t a very realistic proposition. But lads, seriously, you’re representing Manchester United here. Cower a bit, keep your heads down by all means, just try to refrain from shrieking and posting OMG! reaction videos on Instagram.

The other big dawg who looks like he’s set to rock up at OT imminently is Paul ‘Poggers’ Pogba, a mere snip at ONE HUNDRED MILLION POUNDS. I suppose this figure will produce a fair amount of seethe within the AMF community, but quite honestly, who cares any more? In simpler times, I can remember my mum being appalled that Bryan Robson was earning 3-4 grand a week. The amount of cash pouring into football now means that silly numbers like the Pogba fee no longer hold any meaning. We live in an age where Watford can reportedly turn down £30M bids for Troy Deeney and Palace and West Ham are bidding £25M for players. The game is now awash with so much money, the people in charge literally don’t know what to do with it.

In any case, given Pogba’s age, the fact he’s a Raiola player and his oft-mentioned desire to play for Madrid at some point, there’s a very reasonable chance United will be seeing most if not all of their money back in 2-3 years. One suspects he’s being sold this move on the premise that he’ll be off again after a couple of seasons and this is just another step towards that. That’s how Raiola operates and always has done. At least his machinations won’t come as a surprise to United this time out, considering they experienced them first hand in 2012 when Pogba upped sticks for Juventus in somewhat hazy circumstances.

Finally, a couple of wishes for the new season. Can we ensure that none of this Icelandic slow clappy nonsense infiltrates the ground, please? Let’s leave that to Crystal Palace, eh? Also, I’m praying that some mind-numbing variant of the Will Grigg’s on fire song hasn’t already been dreamt up – it’s already well past its sell-by date but it’s kind of inevitable that some bright spark will try and introduce it. You managed to resist vuvuzelas, so you can swerve this too. Don’t let me down, reds.

Copyright Red News – August 2016

www.rednews.co.uk