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Fetch The Bolt Cutters

The fact I’ve delayed writing this column until minutes before deadline due to the possibility Ten Hag could be sacked at any moment speaks volumes for how the campaign has begun. Given he was on thin ice to begin with, it was crucial that the new signings hit the ground running and that the team showed a marked improvement on last season’s miserable form. Unfortunately for Erik, instead it’s been a continuation of what we’ve seen for the last 18 months or so. United are still a complete disaster. We might even be getting worse based on the evidence seen so far.

It’s not all been completely terrible, as the first hour at Palace demonstrated what the team could be capable of at some point in the future. That aside, it’s difficult to find any positives at all other than the fact Mazraoui (naturally now unavailable for the foreseeable) looks to be an upgrade on Wan-Bissaka. But that’s pretty much all I can summon up 2 months into the current season. The main highlight I can recall is a goalless draw at Selhurst Park where we actually looked like a functioning football team for a brief period. And that’s your lot, really. It’s been almost laughably grim viewing for the most part.

Ten Hag really doesn’t help himself at times, and his reading of the game can be perplexing to say the least. Attackers are repeatedly withdrawn from games for purposes of rotation, he says – but when they’ve been the most threatening presence on the pitch (Rashford at Porto for example) the substitutions make no sense. I thought the same thing when he hooked Zirkzee at Palace, rather than providing fresh momentum, the subs tend to interrupt the flow and kill any attacking impetus. I understand the need to rotate and give players minutes, but surely what’s happening on the pitch should inform these decisions.

As well as the seemingly preordained attacking substitutions, he’s developed a habit of causing defensive uncertainty by making regular mid-game switches at centre-half. If these changes are forced due to injury or fatigue then fair enough, but there’s been a number of instances where this hasn’t appeared to be the case at all. For a team that needs to develop a spine, it’s a strange way to try and instil any kind of confidence or consistency. We don’t look to have progressed in the slightest – it’s the same incoherent mess that was a struggle to watch throughout the duration of last season.

Out of all the summer signings made, the one we desperately needed to work out was Ugarte in midfield. Casemiro looks like he’d struggle with the pace of Soccer Aid these days, Mainoo is suffering from starting every game and Bruno gets more erratic by the week. Based on the evidence seen so far, I’m not convinced Ugarte is anywhere near the level needed to improve the team’s ability to control games and dominate possession. I always forget that Mason Mount plays for United given how infrequently he’s seen. Anyway, he made a brief re-appearance before promptly getting injured again to no one’s great surprise.

I’ve always been a staunch defender of Bruno and overlooked his shortcomings due to the fact he provides a goal threat in a team that largely doesn’t. However, the moments of inspiration are becoming less frequent and his bad games are starting to outnumber the good ones. The worse the team is performing, the more risks he takes. Honestly, I’m starting to see logic in the school of thought that suggests we’ll never progress whilst he’s handed a license to roam around the pitch and do pretty much whatever he fancies.

It’s probably the recent sending offs that have tipped me over the edge, but I’m getting tired of watching the same things happen over and over again. If United were a better team we could probably accommodate his recklessness, but we aren’t. The midfield consists of vast swathes of empty space for the most part so it’s no wonder we struggle to control games. I said after the Spurs game that the 3 game suspension might turn out to be a blessing in disguise given it would force Ten Hag to try something different. Then, naturally, the red card gets overturned. Of course it does. More chaos incoming, then.

I was pleased that Ten Hag was given the opportunity to stay on this summer, but suspected deep down that we were headed for this juncture sooner rather than later. Ineos appeared to explore every possible alternative before offering him a chance to turn things around, but clearly the gamble has backfired spectacularly. We’re currently sitting 14th in the PL table and 21st in the Europa League. If we’re being honest, an 8th place finish flattered us last season when our form was more akin of a mid-table team. Right now it’s no longer a question of if they sack him, it’s more a question of when.

Despite being confounded by many of his decisions, the stubborn part of me still hopes they keep their nerve and give him more time. I maintain that Ten Hag is a top man and think he’s done a lot of positive things (in difficult circumstances) in trying to change the culture around the club. We all acknowledged it would likely take 2-3 years to eradicate the failings of the previous regime and become serious contenders again. Having decided to put their faith in him in June, is it really the right call to reverse on that decision before the end of October?

On balance, it probably is – as I don’t expect to see any sudden upturn in form over the next few months. Although I’m loathe to admit defeat and return to the cycle of sacking managers every 2 years, it now feels inevitable that he’ll be gone in a matter of weeks. The club can’t afford a season floundering in mid-table without any signs of progress. Qualification for Europe looks to be a stretch at present, never mind finishing in the top 4. My expectation is he’ll limp on until the next international break, by which time the board will have lined up the next recipient of the poisoned chalice. I’m sorry, Erik – but it’s just not happening, is it?

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No Apologies

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There’s been little to be enthused about recently but City’s unexpected exit from the Champions League prompted one of those rare days where you could stroll into work actively enthused at the prospect of football discourse. I’m well aware that getting your thrills from schadenfreude is pretty desperate, but here we are. In fairness, way back when we were successful I was just as petty. I can recall watching their playoff final out in town days after the treble win feeling utterly dejected as a handful of Kappa-clad scrotes spilled onto Princess Street in celebration. Football makes us like this. And we have the cheek to call them ‘bitter’.

Liverpool’s capitulation post-Amadgeddon has been equally amusing to witness. Jurgen the German celebrating a league title in front of a packed Anfield was a nauseating prospect and the ensuing media love-in would’ve continued for months. City winning 4 on the bounce is the borderline preferable alternative which remains the most likely outcome of this year’s title race… unless Arsenal do something very out of character and provide a satisfactory conclusion to the season regardless of what happens at Wembley later this month.

The most unlikely participant in this year’s CL semis has to be Jadon Sancho, back on the global stage as his underwhelming loan spell at Dortmund draws to a close. Despite playing well against PSG, the reaction to his performance was ridiculously over-hyped and had all the usual idiots clamouring for his recall to both United and the national side. Quite frankly, Sancho could score a hat-trick in the final and win the Ballon d’Or and I still wouldn’t want him anywhere near Carrington ever again. He had multiple chances at United to get both his fitness and his head straight yet never looked remotely interested.

The motive behind getting Jamie Carragher to slobber all over him, kissing his arse is that it’s an easy stick to beat Ten Hag with. Poor misunderstood Jadon, look at the smile on his face now he’s free from the clutches of that tyrannical bald loser etc. Do me a favour. Sancho underperformed from the moment he was signed and irrespective of whatever else is going on at the club, ultimately the responsibility for that lies with him alone. Some players just can’t hack it at United and he’s simply the latest in a long line. Weak mentality and when called out by his boss, his reaction was to effectively go on strike before scarpering off to Germany. Keep your fingers crossed Dortmund spend their CL prize money on taking him back permanently.

Ineos briefing journos that United will listen to offers for all but 3 of the squad is interesting, particularly the timing as the club prepares for the summer transfer window. Such a message implies they’re hoping to shift a number of players quickly so the proceeds can boost what might be a relatively tight budget otherwise. The fact that the ‘club insider’ chose to name Garnacho, Hojlund and Mainoo is also quite telling in that it indicates anyone else is expendable if the right bid were to arrive. No surprise to Maguire and McTominay who were close to leaving last summer, but surely an eye-opener for the likes of Martinez, Shaw and Fernandes.

If the new regime is deadly serious about changing the way the club operates (evidence so far suggests they are) then the one with major re-sale value who definitely needs shipping out is Marcus Rashford. Once you’ve lost the support of match goers who’re usually the last to turn against (especially local) players, the writing is on the wall and it’s time to leave. I expect his brains trust advisors are well aware of how perilous his current position is as they quickly counter-briefed The Sun (“IN NO RASH TO LEAVE”) indicating his desire to stay put.

Of course he wishes to remain here, despite the smacked arse demeanour and body language that suggests he now detests playing football for a living. I’m not convinced any other club barring the Saudis would pay him what he’s earning currently. His numerous commercial deals will be in jeopardy once he migrates to that football wilderness as he’s nowhere near Ronaldo-level fame. No doubt he’s praying Ten Hag gets the bullet at the end of the season so he’s presented with a clean slate to kick on from in August. His behaviour this year will quickly be forgiven/forgotten after a few goals under Ten Hag’s successor, unfortunately.

The situation with Rashford and Sancho illustrates why I think placating these prima donnas and dispensing with yet another manager would be a mistake this summer. I’m not convinced that Ten Hag is the right man for the United job, but I am convinced that we’re not going to make any progress by indulging players who aren’t fully committed. Giving Ten Hag another season and jettisoning the pair would send out exactly the right message about the future intentions of the people in charge of the club, even if it does eventually turn out that bald isn’t in fact best.

The fact that Ratcliffe hasn’t backed the manager publicly during this tumultuous campaign points towards the likelihood he’ll be gone at the season’s close. Personally, I’ll be disappointed as it’ll signal that little has changed since Woodward and Arnold were in charge. Ten Hag took over a team in chaos and hasn’t had the time or the resources to complete it. He’s had a terrible 2nd season and blown his budget on some spectacular flops, but this job was always going to require 4-5 years and multiple transfer windows. I can see the logic in starting from scratch under someone new, but we’ve been at this juncture before when Mourinho was axed and the club granted several players a reprieve instead.

Although it’s all doom and gloom at present, I recently made the point to the Editor that we’re in another Cup Final and most likely Europe again next season. All about perspective, innit? What we take for granted is pretty wild in comparison to what the majority of football fans experience year on year. I’ll be taking a similarly sanguine attitude to Wembley in a couple of weeks to ensure no repeat of last year where I spent the entire game in a state of mental turmoil as the spectre of City’s treble loomed large. This time, I’ll simply be there for a good time. No expectations, no disappointment. Enjoy the summer and see you in August.

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Afterglow

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During a season in which stand out moments have been largely absent, the climactic ending of the Liverpool FA Cup tie was an all-time classic that will never be forgotten. 2 weeks on and the sequence of events during extra time still haven’t quite sunk in, however I do possess a unsightly 50p-sized lump on my left shin as a memento of the day. To go from ‘season over’ to ‘Wembley bound’ in the space of 15 minutes was something I never saw coming and served as a reminder that football still retains the ability to make me deliriously happy on occasion. I just need to be mindful of the fact I’m no longer 15 years old and moderate my goal celebrations to something more befitting a man who turned 50 last year.

When the question of potentially leaving OT has come up in recent weeks, I’ve been pretty unequivocal about the fact I’d have no issue with moving into a state-of-the-art new build if it was located next door. Re-watching footage of Amad’s winner from 50 different camera angles has caused me to reconsider. Although I accept that OT needs a facelift, there’s no way it’s ‘falling down’ as the song claims. The key thing for me is, could the atmosphere of that Liverpool game be replicated in a shiny brand spanker built nearby? Whilst theoretically the answer is ‘yes’, the overwhelming likelihood is ‘no’ so I’m firmly in favour of staying put now, I’ve decided.

Indeed, the more I’ve thought about it, the more I reckon leaving OT would actually be a terrible idea. Sure, the Emirates and Spurs’ new grounds are visually impressive and have better facilities than their predecessors but they’re utterly bereft of soul – aesthetically pleasant enormodomes that have priced out the majority of people who frequented Highbury and White Hart Lane. OT 2.0 would be exactly the same. They aren’t going to follow the Allianz Arena model and make the thing affordable for all, it’ll just be a gigantic monument to football commercialism with a few cheesy adornments (hotel, ‘fan park’ etc) tacked on.

The main driver behind moving as opposed to re-developing OT is the club’s desire to maximise revenue from ticket sales. They hope to increase engagement with high spending football tourists whilst driving up prices until legacy supporters are in the minority. It’s a process that’s currently being repeated at several Premier League clubs. Most regulars just want to go and watch the game and couldn’t care less if there’s a McDonald’s or a Nando’s built adjacent to the ground. A bigger souvenir shop and a couple of beer tents aren’t going to help regenerate the area and enrich the local community, it’s just a convenient way of piggybacking on Trafford Council’s Wharfside development plans in the vain hope of securing additional public or private funding.

A new OT will be sold to us as something that’s necessary if United are going to compete at the very top again, but I’d argue that isn’t the case at all. Re-developing the current stadium does present significant challenges (the railway line being the most obvious), but if we’re talking £1billion+ budgets then I fail to see how building over it isn’t possible. If they extended the south stand, stuck a new roof on and re-did the concourses OT (no, honestly) could be the best ground in the country again within 5-10 years. They could even cover it in Bacofoil if they wanted to appease the e-reds and mimic the result of the recent Bernabeu refresh.

If we do leave OT it will be for something overpriced, over-budget and distinctly underwhelming once the initial novelty has worn off. Yes, a true “Wembley of the North” as promised. Expect season ticket prices to eclipse London levels and despite the multiple beers on offer, they’ll be ridiculously overpriced and I guarantee each sip will be tinged with regret for what we left behind. I’ve got no desire for a future consisting of chicken tenders, a choice of fries, vegan wraps, annoyingly loud speakers and an oversized scoreboard. Anyone actively in favour of any of this should be considered a menace.

The international break following the Liverpool game led to an outbreak of misplaced optimism and suggestions that the stirring comeback witnessed might turn out to be a turning point. Any such thoughts were obliterated after the Brentford game where the performance was truly one of the worst of the season. Once again, the midfield was an absolute shambles with the opposition given a free run on goal every time they gained possession. McTominay played for over 100 minutes and genuinely can’t have touched the ball more than a dozen times. It was excruciating to watch.

It wasn’t just him. Wan Bissaka had another of those games that makes you wonder if the coaching staff actually talk to the players at all. Rashford did that thing where he seems to be channeling Antonio Valencia when he receives the ball, ambles forward a few yards and then stops dead. And Bruno? My word. He’s always been a bit of a wildcard with his decision making but he’s now so erratic it’s like he’s taking a huge dose of psychedelics an hour before kick off. The Liverpool game was a beautifully bonkers sequence of the manager rolling consecutive sixes. Brentford was more indicative of the reality. We are utterly hopeless.

Most match-goers remain vaguely supportive of Ten Hag but if we’re being honest, the Brentford performance and his post-game admission they ‘wanted it more’ signal that he’s unlikely to last beyond the end of the season. Any lingering hopes of CL football have been extinguished and that’s been the minimum requirement for United managers hoping to survive post-Ferguson. I’m not certain anyone else could have done much better given what he inherited and the awful run of injuries this term, but ultimately we’ve gone backwards over the last 12 months and that’s on him.

Whilst I strongly suspect his departure is inevitable now, I’m still not convinced it would be the right thing to do. If there were obvious candidates to replace him I might see the logic in pulling the trigger, but names like Gareth Southgate and that bloke from Wolves don’t exactly fill me with any confidence. We have to accept there aren’t any quick fixes available and that the current re-build remains a work in progress. Another managerial reset benefits no one except some serial underachievers in the dressing room hoping for another stay of execution. Although it might seem a grim prospect at this precise moment, Ten Hag needs time and we need to be patient.

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